Updates

Since it has been so long since my last post, I thought I would start by giving an update.  I love being home with Samuel and he seems to have benefited.  I am not saying that moms who work should stay home, but it has been a blessing for both Samuel and I.  When we used to pull in to a parking lot where he knew I would have to leave him for a short time, he would say, "NO!"  Now, he drags my arm to get to "school" (nursery at church or the gym).  He still doesn't like it when I leave him at home, but he will actually play by himself more so I can cook or clean.  He actually loves to help, and I try to let him.

For me, my health became an issue.  So, being home gave me less to juggle mentally and emotionally.  (although, being home comes with a list of new stresses)  For a couple of years or longer, my symptoms of fatigue, brain fog, and many others have slowly gotten worse.  I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me mentally because the doctors didn't take the symptoms seriously. They would try to prescribe birth control pills and antidepressants.  I also had several embarrassing outbursts of frustration or crying.  (There is a lady out there that shops at Walmart that thinks I am off my rocker after bursting out with a ARRRRHHH.  In my defense, she didn't HAVE to go down my short isle while I was on the phone trying to figure out what to get while Samuel was being his curious self next to the cart and the WET floor sign.  Maybe the next time she sees me, she will run in the opposite direction.)  I progress. . . Even through our years of trying to get pregnant, I had some of these symptoms, yet it was brushed off.  So, I tried eating healthy, exercising, cutting back on responsibilities, ...  You know, all the things people tell you to do to feel better.  Yet, it was getting worse.  I was feeling like a horrible wife, mother, friend, ect.  For the past 6 months or so, I have gone to seek specialists.  After all of my visits and getting background information from my family (my mom and her sisters went through this around my age as well) I have found out that I am going through "the change" early.  I am in peri/pre-menopause.  I did the egg test and my numbers are very low.  That means that if I don't get pregnant soon, it won't happen. (unless I have a Moses and Sarah experience)  The good news is that I am on a non-synthetic progesterone, which increases fertility.  After being on it for about 4 months, I am finally starting to feel like myself.  I actually made it through Sunday School and service this week without almost falling asleep or loosing track mentally.  That was a big deal. I didn't know that a hormonal imbalance can slow someone down so much.  Oh, another good news is that from better eating, exercising, and balancing my hormones better, I have lost almost 10 pounds.  (Some were gained back over the holidays, but getting them back off soon!)

Some people have asked about how we are doing financially.  Thankfully, in this past year after the adoption fees were paid, we were able to put some money in savings.  That money is helping to offset what Joe's paycheck can't cover. I must also mention that God has provided through friends, family, and other ways as well.  We are truly on LOCK-DOWN and try to only spend on necessities.  I appreciate so much more now, like driving to visit anyone anytime.

There are still no leads with a new job for Joe.  We so appreciate where he works now because they have helped us in so many ways and work with him as much as possible. There have been many possible leads that have ended with closed doors but God is definitely work on us through all of this. There have been many lessons learned/relearned.  I hope to share some on future posts.

Finally, we would love to adopt again, but the time is not now.  For now, we are focusing on trying to live on a small budget and trying to get pregnant.  I see pregnant women and want that.  I am sure that I would mourn if I never do, but I am not ready to mourn yet.  My arms are surrendered to whatever God knows is best for us.

Sorry that this was so long.  Now that my mind is beginning to work again, maybe I will write shorter posts more often.  Lord willing. . .


Thank you to those who continue to pray, encourage, and even offer advice to us.  We are truly rich in blessings. 

Exciting Opportunity to Trust God

     Samuel had his first beach trip a couple of weeks ago.  He LOVED the waves and sand.  I do notice that he enjoys toys and fun things like the water, but he mostly wants to explore.  When we first went to the pool, he didn't want to leave.  He cried loudly.  Now when we go, he is only in for a few minutes and then wants to get out to walk/run around and check things out.  He especially loves to turn on and off the water hoses.  He is beginning to enjoy playing with other kids, especially older ones.  Like most kids, he loves to be chased but he also thinks it is funny to copy silly things the big kids do.  One of his favorites is Ring Around the Rosies because he is a master at falling down.  When we are at home, he takes the pillows and puts them on the floor so he can dive off the couch on to them.  I am constantly calling him my silly boy.

     While we were at the beach, we both believe God has given us a direction, at least for one part of our lives.  We have been praying for a while about possibly me not teaching anymore.  In the past, I would tell people that I didn't think I could be a stay-at-home mom.  Some of my friends that have stayed at home have struggled with depression or just seemed tired or unhappy.  When Samuel first came, I stayed home for a couple of months and could see how one could feel isolated.  So, working was an outlet for me.  I felt connected to the world and that I was making a difference outside the home.  Since then, God has been working on my heart.  Samuel had a hard time, especially the last few months, with me leaving him.  I know this could be the "fear of abandonment" phase, but it was hard on me.  I love teaching, but I was so tired by the time I got home, Samuel would nap if he hadn't already while I got some housework done, and then when he woke up I had to cook dinner, clean up, and then maybe have a couple of hours with him before bedtime.  But I had Friday-Sunday with him all day and somehow it worked. 

    Our thought was that when Joe got another job and made more money, then I would stay home.   We were receiving help with Samuel's care even with both of us working, so there was no way I could quit.  We have heard other stories of families going on faith for the mom to stay home, but most of their husbands made at least $40,000 a year.  Well, that is not the case with us.  SO, when God started putting on our hearts, mostly Joe's, for me to stay home next school year, I was unsure.  But during this trip, God showed us in several ways that this is our time to take a leap of faith, not based on circumstances, but based on our trust and obedience to Him.  Since then, He has confirmed our decision in many ways, especially with His peace.  This means that I am officially a stay-at-home mom and couldn't be happier about it!!!

    Now, I don't know what things will look like nor I am trying to figure it out just yet.  We are praying about how to be wise with our finances and will be seeking guidance and tips from others that have had to do the same.  I have always been conscience of spending money, but even more so now.  Of course, God is our main source of wisdom and leading.  Joe doesn't have another job yet and we have no idea where or when he will.  If you have any money saving tips, we are happy to hear them! 

     We can say that your prayers have been answered in that we both are truly open to go anywhere and do whatever He calls us.  With one of the past possibilities, we had to consider whether we would move back to my hometown and live with my parents for a while.  We were both willing, even though it would be hard and uncomfortable at times.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are great and we get along wonderfully, but anyone bringing in a family to live in the same house with their parents (not having our own kitchen or living room) has uncomfortable moments.  BUT, this opportunity doesn't seem to be the one God is leading us to.  I could be wrong, but at this moment, it doesn't look like it is.  The good thing is, our hearts are open to moving or staying and now we know it. 

     So, thank you for your prayers!!!  Please continue to pray for God's guidance with Joe's job and our new situation.  That God will be glorified and we will continue to have peace and joy even when things look impossible. 

     BTW- We do still want more children and are praying for God's guidance with that as well.  I am having some health issues, nothing major, but would love to figure out what is causing these symptoms and to have a treatment, not just a band aid. There are several symptoms that have worsened over the years, but for me worst part is that I get tired very easily and have foggy thinking.  I am taking B12 and am waiting for blood test reports to see why.  We have done a lot of research and think we know the cause, but the doctors over the last 10 years haven't seemed to want to research it more.  Instead they want to put me on birth control pills, which I will not do because we want children.  So, I may be having to look for a new Dr. and specialist.  If you have a great proactive Dr. feel free to share their information with me.  : )

Limbo

Limbo is not necessarily a bad place to be. . .

It is funny how different people can take such different outlooks on the same situation.  There are at least 2 people that have told me how excited they are for me as we seek direction for the next step in our journey.  At first, I was not excited.  When reminded of a different perspective, my attitude has started to change.

In my quiet time this morning, God reminded me that our journey is not always easy-going, but instead can be more like a roller coaster.  There are ups, downs, thrills, discouragement . . .  At this moment, I feel like I am in line waiting for the next roller coaster ride.  What am I going to do while waiting?  I could try and predict what it is going to be like, analyze the possibilities, just stand there and wait anticipating the ride, or enjoy the moment and the people around me.  So, I chose the latter.  There are so many friends and family that I can enjoy before this lifestyle change.  No matter where we are, our lives are going to be different in some way.  I can enjoy the schedule and time we have now to be together and pray together as we seek together.  I can enjoy having my husband more to myself before he pastors a group or congregation.  I can enjoy being home for the summer with Samuel and not waste time trying to figure out things that may never come about. I can rest assure that God will tell us when and where we need to go when it is His time.

As far as an update on when or where, there isn't much to say yet.  Some doors have shut, which is good since they are not options anymore.  I can tell that God is changing our hearts as to what we want to do, but we still don't have a clear direction.

So, I will enjoy being in limbo and have faith in my faithful father who loves us with a steadfast love.  He will never fail us as we seek Him and not just answers.

Thank you to those who are praying!  It really makes a difference and we are truly appreciative!  God is definitely working.  : )

What If Following is Not Easy?

     So, I guess it has been a while.  Samuel is now 2 years old and is officially our son.  We still wait for Proof of Citizenship so we can change his name on things such as his SS number.  But he is with us and happy.

     Now we are desiring a brother of sister for Samuel.  We are not sure whether that means another adoption yet or not.  We both would love to adopt again, but haven't given up completely with having a biological child either.  We will wait and pray and see. . .

     Even more pressing right now is where God is leading us in the next chapter of life. 

     Joe finished seminary and has gotten his liscensure.  He has to have a "call" before going through the ordination process.  That means that he has to have a ministry job.  We are also praying about me being able to stay home full-time with Samuel.  I feel like we need to know something soon because before we know it, Fall will be here and I will have to start teaching.  With Joe's current job, I don't think we could pay the bills.  As a matter of fact, we have been blessed with people helping us in various ways, such as giving us food and clothes periodically.  We are truly grateful and God sends things right when we need it.  (He is not often early.)

     Right now, there may be a couple of opportunities, but we are not sure which of these doors or if either of them are the ones God has for us next.  We pray and discuss and pray.  Still we are not convinced of anything.  But it has brought up the thought of true surrender and following.  When Joe finished seminary, my mind came up with an unwritten list of what I wanted our next step to look like.  We would stay here, Joe would find a job at our church, and Samuel will be able to go to my school when he is old enough.  Oh, and I would get to stay home with him until then. That is still not impossible, but that is not full surrender.  Maybe God is calling us to move.  And even worse to an area where we don't want to go.  What if we have to short sale our home and ruin our credit?  What if I will have to find a job somewhere else and find someone new to trust Samuel with while I am gone?  What if. . . ?  Would I still be up for following God?  I know deep down that God knows what is best for us and His people. But right now, I don't want to move.  After 6 years of living here, I finally love it!  

     I keep praying for God to change my heart if it is not aligned with His.  I know that wherever He calls us, we will go.  We love and trust Him enough to give up our selfish desires and ambitions and go where He desires to grow and use us.  Through the adoption and many other times when we have just had to trust Him, He has shown us His love and faithfulness.

     Please pray for us to hear God's leading and walk with confidence wherever He calls.  Also pray for our hearts.  Whatever it will be, our lives will not be as they are now.  Ask God to prepare us and make us ready to let go of whatever securities or comforts we enjoy now and be thankful for what we will have then.  May God be glorified and others see Him through all of this as with the adoption. 

Receiving Gifts

I had a good quiet time this morning. (Samuel actually slept until 7am!)

During my quiet time, I reflected on God's gift of life and then how He is the giver of good gifts. Of course that doesn't mean we will never struggle or be persecuted, but He gives us so much more than we deserve. It is easy to get into the rut of looking around and seeing how others have more and then focus on what we don't have, but when I look at what I do have, I am overwhelmingly grateful.

Throughout the last 10 or so years, God has done so much in my life. Stripping off one idol after another. Well, the last few years, God is working on ones that I knew were coming, but dreaded: "financial security" and "I can do it". Working part-time instead of full-time, adopting, and Joe going through seminary while working full-time in facilities, does not leave much room for "financial security". We have been given so much, especially in the past year. Money, toys, clothes, gift certificates, free babysitting, meals and the list goes on. This has not been easy for me. I would rather be on the other end, but as time goes by, I have less to give other than my gratitude, and of course prayer.

As I thought about it this morning, I started to cry. I don't deserve good gifts from others. I'm happy to take gifts from God, if it doesn't involve others being inconvenienced. It is so hard to receive without being able to pay back or do anything in return, other than saying "thank you". But when you have no choice, you have to humble yourself and take it. I am losing my "I can do it" attitude, because I can't. No matter how I calculate, save, or work things out, I have to rely on God and my community/family. I knew this would be a hard lesson, but relationships have become richer, my heart is becoming less closed off to let others in, and my heart is softening. Fear, bitterness, pride, and more is melting away. God continues to refine me and I pray that when this season has passed, I won't forget what God is teaching me.

On a side note, Samuel is doing great! He had a fun weekend with pool time, family time, and good health. Yesterday he started whining again. We are going through another round of a few days of pain. Please pray for him and that I would know how to help him. He is more calm today, but then I haven't had to take him out to run errands or occupied to do errands at home. It has been a nice morning of just hanging out and getting lots of short cuddle sessions. : )

Final court date!!!

It has been a glorious and transitional 8 months so far!

The first few months were a bit difficult because I had to get used to the new schedule and life. Samuel is such a great baby, that it really helped. The hardest thing that I had to deal with was his lack of desire for rest. He still cries even when he thinks we are going to put him in the crib. Actually at this moment, he is in the crib, fighting rest. Sometimes he even bangs his head on the crib to stay awake. Poor thing. . .

The fun things about Samuel is that he is usually a very happy, active boy. (I say usually because when his molars are coming in, he is hurting.) He loves to climb, run, explore, and laugh. He laughs most often when playing peek a boo or pretty much any social interaction. He is a people-person. He will walk up to strangers to smile at them and loves to see other kids. We have been doing a LOT of play dates lately and hasn't met anyone he doesn't like yet. He rarely sits still very long. Watching Thomas the Train keeps him still the longest of anything else, so that is my default when I am trying to cook. Sometimes, it doesn't work. He likes to be where I am, watching me do things, especially in the kitchen.

He has had a few time-outs and responds pretty well to them. He usually knows when he is getting into something he is not supposed to. I can tell because he has that sneaky look on his face or runs away when we catch him. LOL! After the first couple of time-outs, he started following directions more quickly. He is one smart cookie and seems to know it. He will sometimes try to smile or put his lip out when he gets in trouble because in the past we would laugh. We are learning to hold it in or turn our heads. : )

Teething has been hard for us. It seems that a new tooth comes in every couple of weeks and he is in pain every few days. These molars are hard on him. His drool is pretty constant and so we have learned to just live with wet shirts and kisses, which we LOVE! He now has 2 sets of molars and one set of canines. I think his 3rd set of molars are coming in now. Or maybe it is his 2nd set of canines. All I know is he is pain. Poor baby. I wish I could take it away, but there doesn't seem to be any magic fixes. Medication is only temporary and doesn't always work.

Well, he has had tons of firsts! I wish I could post pics of some of them, but until the adoption is final, I am not supposed to. So, if you want to see any, check out my Facebook page. That is a "secured" site and I can post pics of him on there.

I can not tell you how appreciative we are to have him here while we wait for it all to be final. We also appreciate all the support we have had and still receive. There are too many to count and in various ways. Samuel has such a large family in Christ. He also has our family that we were born into, who adore him. Sometimes I still cry, thinking back to the days when I didn't know how or when or if we would ever have a child. And here he is. Our precious boy!!

So, the final court date is Monday, August 22nd. He will legally be ours! He is already ours in our heart and mind. I can't imagine life without him, nor do I want to. We are so blessed!!!

HOME WITH SAMUEL

I'm sorry it has been so long since I last posted. November has been a whirlwind of a month. It started with my dad getting in a bicycle accident and ending up in Grady Hospital for about 2 weeks. He has head, ribs, and other body injury. He is at home recovering, while my mom is running their dry cleaners. My sister-in-law and brother and taking care of all the medical paperwork and staying home with him when they can. We are having trouble with getting the VA to take over his treatments and cover the costs. Pray for all that to get worked out and for endurance for my family.

Then, we decided to bite the bullet and take another step of faith. We bought a small SUV for transporting Samuel. The minute we got home, we heard a message on our answering machine saying that our baby was ready for travel. What timing!

So, we got the first flight we could out there and back. We were in Korea for 3 1/2 days because we wanted to get Samuel home. We can't take him with us until the day before or the day of travel. Thankfully, we had a morning flight. We got to take him to my aunt's house the day before travel.

South Korea was awesome. Their rest stops are like strip malls, the service in malls and restaurants are top notch, there is always someone waiting to help you with a smile. We got to walk around the town where my mom and dad met and lived when I was a baby. We almost got lost, but ran into my aunt's mother-in-law and she pointed us back home. It was perfect timing.

Needless to say, the food was delicious. It was actually so hot/spicy, that it brought tears to Joe's eyes.

It was great to spend time with my aunt and her family too. I remember as little girl, thinking she was so beautiful and wanting to be like her. She got to be the first family member to meet Samuel.

Coming back home was crazy. Because we booked our flight last minute, we couldn't sit near each other and no one offered to switch places. Joe was so far away that he couldn't even hear or see us. Praise God, we made it without any serious damage. LOL

We were greeted by a welcoming committee. Here is a video our friend Jen made of it:

http://gallery.me.com/jenniferstyle/100082

Now, we are home trying to get into a routine. It took several days for Samuel to realize that night was not day anymore. Korea has a 14 hour difference. He is mostly sleeping through the night now and we are working on his napping. He is napping right now. Shhhh. . .

We LOVE our baby Samuel!!! He is so funny, curious, energetic, and adorable. He loves people, but knows who his mommy and daddy are. He looks at us periodically to make sure we are near by. When he is tired and cranky, he wants mommy or daddy. I LOVE IT!!!!

I am learning to get up EARLY and have my quiet time before he gets up. It makes for a happier day for both of us. Joe is an awesome daddy! He had to go back to work this week, but has requested evening duty. So, he feeds, bathes, and gets Samuel down for the night. It is precious.

Since we have had Samuel, he has already learned how to crawl, eat bite-sized snacks by opening his hands enough to shove it in his mouth (he LOVES to eat), and stand up in his crib. He is getting stronger every day. Just this morning, he was observing his hand movements as they opened and closed. It is such a joy to be able to watch those moments. I need to keep the video camera next to me to capture them.

If you want to see pictures or get faster updates, befriend me on FB if you have not already.