Healing Slowly

                           Samuel is representing the One who battles for our hearts.

The good news is that I am definitely healing.  The bad news is that it is way slower than I expected.  The good news is that God is in control, I am not.

First, here are the answers to the questions I get:
Do I get bored?  YES

How am I feeling? I hurt, get tired easily, and can't sit up long, which sometimes effects drainage from my allergies causing headaches and nausea. Rainy or almost rainy days are the worst.

How am I doing? I think considering all of those things that I haven't yelled at or hurt anyone, I am doing ok.  ; )  No really, it is frustrating,  but it is causing me to pray and surrender more.

How is having Joe home? Actually, it is nice. At the beginning of the school year, I couldn't wait for nuggets of alone time, but now that he is driving Samuel to school and back,  I get alone time, but it is also nice to have him home.  He is so patient and helpful.   We are able to talk about deep thoughts and feelings. He is learning what my life as a mom and wife are like and I am learning that I can trust him to do the things I usually do. We are enjoying our time with Samuel and he is getting good quality time with Joe.  Quality time and words of affirmation are ways that Samuel feels loved.

How is Samuel doing?  He seems to be doing ok. His feelings about going to school are the same. He enjoys being home. He is bonding more with Joe. I get snuggles in the morning and after school.  He is also serving me in ways that I used to do for him.  He is so thoughtful and happy-go-lucky.

Being home and forced to rest, I have LOTS of time to think.  I am on FB a lot and read happy and heart breaking posts.  I see fun activities and some friends going to the hospital.  There is such a wide spectrum of how people are spending the holidays.  It all makes me put things into perspective.

This year, I have less worldly things and mobility, things that I struggled with contentment in the past.  I used to compare and want what others had.  But this year, I don't.  (Not that what they have aren't great.)  I am just content in my life and in the One who is the giver of good gifts. This year,  I have more gratitude,  more compassion, more love, more peace, more joy, more patience . . .  I find myself praying, reading God's Word,  talking to my husband and son about God, and seeking God's truth/ways more.  Who He is and what He wants not just how I should strive to be or perform.   It is freeing and healing.

I am not comparing my hysterectomy to a broken heart or spirit.  I have experienced the loss of a loved one, rejection through divorce and other ways, and waiting tirelessly for something that I longed for.  The emotions are different. Aside from the differences, the healing process can be a little similar.  As I think about and pray for those who are also healing in various ways, I offer some encouragement.  Please don't expect a deadline for the pain to stop.  Know that healing is slow and some wounds never go away. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to take a break.  It is okay to get frustrated.  It is okay to even get angry. Some days will be harder than others. It is okay to share your heart with others.  Just don't forget to let our heavenly physician and counselor to help you through it.  You will experience healing and freedom in other ways as you do.  Don't give up.  Have hope in the One who is in control.

Hysterectomy... a blessing?

1. 

    I always have to start with pictures of my cuties.

We were messing around at the hospital.

     Many have asked for details and my thoughts about my recent surgery.  Back in September, I had to go to the ER because I was having severe abdominal pain. I remember praying that I would be able to get to the root of all my health issues and get it taken care of.  After lots of tests, we found out that I had an infected cyst and so took antibiotics for a month or so.  When I went back, the doctor said it was not going away on its own and it had effected my ovary.  She found some other issues such as fibroids and suggested a full hysterectomy.  While I was waiting to hear what she would say after the ultrasound, I was praying that the cyst had gone down but was convicted to stop and pray for God's will instead. I had a sense it hadn't and so wasn't surprised at her suggestion.
     The doctor and staff worked hard at getting me scheduled before Thanksgiving so that I could use the break for my recovery and have to take less days.  Plus, I was in pain.  I am so thankful for that and the support of my coworkers, my class and their parents.  God was covering me with love and encouragement.
     During my surgery, the doctor had to call in another doctor to help because she found endometriosis and my intestines were tangled up around my tubes.  It was already a late surgery and what should have taken 2 hours took 3 1/2 hours.  (All was done laparoscpically, which was an answer to prayer.) I felt so bad for the doctors and my hubby, but I am so glad that the surgery was finished and they found the root to many of my health issues.  I have spent the last several years looking into things like PCOS and hormone imbalances. I have tried cutting out certain foods, exercising, using essential oils, detoxing, etc. All of which helped some but there was still a battle with fatigue, feeling sick often, pain, bowel and female issues.  Now that they found endometriosis, it makes so much sense.   The doctor even said that she can't imagine how much pain I was in after seeing what was going on in me.  She also said that I am going to feel like a whole new woman after revovery.
     So, I am thankful.  I am a bit sad that it is a closed door but it is better than wondering from month to month if I am pregnant because I would often experience the same symptoms.  It is better than struggling to live normally when I want feeling normal.   I would feel so bad cancelling or saying no to so many things because of my health and not really having a good reason.  I often wondered if people thought I was faking it.  I am so happy being Samuel's mom and teaching my sweet students that I am ok not starting over with another young one.  Plus, we used to talk about adopting again.  There is no telling right now if that will happen later.  The door to  more children is not completely closed, just one of the routes.
     It has been about  2 1/2 weeks since the surgery and I had hoped recovery was faster but am realizing that it is a very slow process.  I have found many ways the abdominals are used that I didn't realize before. I try to get out a little but get tired easily. I have been able to cut back on the pain meds and have less nausea. Lord willing, I will be back at work after 4 weeks of recovery as the doctor is predicting.
     Thankfully, Joe is home during this season to take care of Samuel and me.  He cooks, cleans, drives, and helps me get around.  We continue to pray for leading to a job for Joe but it hasn't happened yet.  We are once again on lock-down financially and are paying month to month for insurance extention.  The doctor and hospital bills keep coming in, but the good news is that God has given us peace through it all.  He has answered prayer by prayer in His way.  We have had time to be still, study, and pray.  God reminds us that He is in control and we can rest in Him.  Trust is the word he gave me at the beginning of the school year and continues to lay on my heart.  He has provided all that we need. He surrounds us with love and encouragement through so many ways and people.  We are reminded that He is not a genie but a loving father and powerful king that wants our hearts, minds, worship... our everything.  And so, if this hysterectomy brings glory to God, then yes, it is a blessing.

My mom hung out with Samuel while I was at the hospital.  He loves his halmony.