Awkward Conversations

     I am not sure if it is because of the perimenopause, having a small child, being a stay-at-home mom, or a combination of all 3, but most conversations feel awkward to me.  In the last few years, most of the time I walk away from a conversation and think, "Did I really say that?", "Why didn't I say anything?", "Why can't I think straight?", or "What were we talking about?"  Now, there are the rare times when I get more than a minute to talk to someone without interruptions because Samuel is busy playing with older kids or not with me that I can get more comfortable and carry on a real conversation.  Even then, sometimes, I don't know what to say or how to stay on track with one thought.

     I realize that the majority of my conversations are with Samuel to where I have to repeat what he says to model correct speech and acknowledge that I understand him or ones that only need simple thought like, "The garbage truck man throws the garbage in a truck, not on the ground."  (Samuel likes to reenact things.)

      Other than that, I get to talk to my wonderful husband, friends with kids, or family.  Even then, our conversations are interrupted often and are all over the place.  I think Joe and most of those with small children are used to it also, so I don't feel as weird when I ask or tell something off-topic or forget what the topic is.  Also, the silence times are not as awkward with them as I am sure we are appreciating it together.  LOL

All that to say, I apologize to anyone who has walked away asking, "What is she on?" or "What was she thinking?", or to anyone I have offended by not talking at all.  Sometimes it is easier to not attempt a conversation beyond a greeting.  Oh, talking on the phone is worse than in person because I can't see the person talking to me and get more easily distracted.  So, don't bother trying to have a phone conversation with me.  E-mail me or let's get together.

Also, I want to know who else has this same struggle and how do you deal with it?  BTW- I do exercise regularly, watch what I eat, have cut back on sugar, salt, and processed foods, and already do stuff for the perimenopause.   I guess I want more to hear that I am not alone.

Oh, and don't feel bad for me.  I am totally fine with where I am in life.  I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom to a busy boy and don't mind not having deep conversations often.  I have them with Joe and tell God all that I am thinking and struggling with.  So, I am truly good. : )

The Blame Game

I have to start with a cute picture of my boy. : )









Have you ever thought how nice this world would be if only people treated others the way they would like to be treated?  You know, the whole do unto others thing.  Well, I have. . . a LOT.  Especially when others are not doing unto me as I would like. 

One of my biggest annoyances is when people blame things like their attitude or actions on other people or events?  It probably annoys me because I used to do it. . . ahem. . . still do it.

This morning is a perfect example.  I went to the local mail center to get 2 unrelated forms notarized.  One of the forms was to get out of jury duty due to being a full-time childcare provider (stay at home mom).  Well, I pull out the form and begin filling it out only to notice that it is a student form, and I am not a student.  UGH. That began my annoyance.  Why did they send me the wrong form?  It took me a while to get an actually person on the phone to request the form last time, and now I have to do it again.  GRRRRR. . .

Then I pulled out the other form to sign.  I signed it.  Good done!  Not quite.   Apparently I signed my license with K.L. DeGuido and not Kimberley DeGuido.   And since I signed the form once with the wrong name, I couldn't sign it again, which meant I had to get another form.  So I left there with a bad attitude.  Thankfully, I didn't say or do what I felt like to the lady trying to help me and refusing to notarize the form due to a matter of letters.  I am still K.L. DeGuido!  double GRRRR. . . 

I get home and called the automated system several times trying to figure out how to get a real person on the phone.  The guy who helped me was really nice and apologized several times.  After getting off the phone, I was convicted.  I had that letter for days and didn't bother to look at it before taking it to get notarized.  I could have checked my drivers license to see how I signed it before signing the second form.  These people were just doing their job.  Granted the first guy did mess up, but I have made mistakes when I was in a service position.  How would I have wanted them to respond to me then?  If I was the lady at the mail service center, how would I want to be treated for following the guidelines? 

All that to say, I was convicted that if I really truly believe in the Do Unto Others rule, then the only person I can start with is myself.  I can stop blaming people or circumstances for my attitude or actions.  I can't change other people, but I can choose how to respond.  I know that I am no where near perfect but I can at least try to be conscious of my thoughts and actions.  Of course, I get my strength and ability from the one who made up the Do Unto Others rule.  If am so thankful for the mercy and love He gives me, then I should be more merciful and loving to others.  

On a side note, that doesn't mean letting others run all over you.  Real love does involve confrontations.  But keep in mind how you would want someone to confront you.

                                                      Check out my handsome guys.  : )

Adopt Again?

First trip to the Atlanta Zoo with his cousins

    First of all, I want to give a quick update.

-My health is getting better.  Most days I am feeling more like myself.  If it weren't for these terrible allergies, I think I would have more normal days : )

- Joe still does not have a full-time ministry position but we are grateful for the job that he does have.  We are still praying for his "calling".

- God has totally provided this year with me staying home.  I didn't think that we had enough in savings to last past December.  Well, it is May and we are still able to pay the bills. : )  Praise God!

Now on to the question of adoption. . .

With me starting the pre-menopause stage early, it has felt like "now or never" time.  We have done the tracking and all that other stuff.  We actually got good news recently from the hormone specialist that I had a month where I ovulated.  Apparently even though my cycle is still regular, I don't ovulate most months.  He recommends IVF if we want to get pregnant. 

I was excited at first.  Maybe I could feel life in me and be with my baby from day 1!  But the more I thought about IVF, the more I felt like that isn't the direction we are being led towards.  I have ignored the leading and wasted lots of time, energy, money, and heart ache enough to learn how to recognize what I believe is God's leading.  Many of my friends are trying IVF or have gotten pregnant from it, but I just don't have a desire to go that route yet.  Joe has even less of a desire.  He and I both agree that we are not pursuing that route as of now.  Getting pregnant is still possible. 

First Carriage Ride

We both have a strong desire for another child, especially a little girl.  We have considered many options and are still considering, but are both still strongly drawn to a Korean nationality.  At this point, we have committed to praying for more clarity on when, where, or how.  But we would love to adopt again given the opportunity. 

Please join us in prayer and feel free to offer insight that could be helpful.  : )

Samuel's favorite spots

My cutie and me outside

Samuel LOVES being outside.  But when he first wakes up, he wants to be on mommy's lap.  In order to make the mornings go most smoothly, I have to get his breakfast, drink, and my coffee ready before he wakes up.  I also have to plan to not go anywhere until at least an hour after he wakes up. 

He has to have a list of things in his hands in order to be completely at rest.  So when he gets ready to get on my lap he is fumbling his drink, breakfast, and usually at least one toy (a train or truck) and gets frustrated. I constantly tell him to come to me and I will get everything he needs.  But I see the struggle of him wanting to do it himself and him wanting to sit with me and trust that I am going to do what I say. 

This made me think of how we are with God.  God gets things ready for us, often by letting us be in certain circumstances or even just by having the sun rise.  I feel like I have to get a list of things ready or think about all the things I have to do that day before I can sit with him.  But He says to come to Him and He will take care of the rest.  I do find that the days I sit with Him first thing in the morning, especially when I am not rushed, the rest of my day is more joyful.  That doesn't mean it goes smoothly, but I have a better attitude and mindset.    I am less frustrated and trust that God will keep His promises to me.  In other words, my "outside" time is so much more enjoyable.

Health Issues? Be encouraged.

This post is about health, but I wanted to lighten it up with some pictures of my growing boy.  









I am a little biased, but I think he is the cutest!  His smile melts my heart.  : )






 I posted these on FB but this one shows how silly he is.  It is hard to get a still photo of him smiling.

BTW- My husband is such a hunk!

 I don't know if you can tell, but he is sticking out his tongue here.  This was his first big lolly pop and he LOVED it!

                                                       






   Mommy's boy!!!

This hambok (traditional Korean clothes) was given by his foster mother.  So glad it still fits!  I posted pics of him in this from his first birthday.  My has he grown!







Okay, now to the heavier stuff. . . .

I wanted to post this because as I have talked to other people I find that so many feel like they are alone or don't know what to do about health issues that effect their daily lives.  As I mentioned earlier, I have been struggling with peri-menopause.  (Not all women have the same symptoms to the same degree, so don't fear if you haven't gotten there yet.  It may not be like this for you.)  For the last few years the symptoms started mildly and have gotten worse.  I went to OBGYNs and family practitioners in the midst of also trying to get pregnant and they just wanted to ignore the symptoms, put me on antidepressants, or give me birth control (which has worked for some).  No one wanted to get to the bottom of it.  I actually tried antidepressants for a few months, but it pretty much took away any filter from my mouth or actions.  NOT GOOD!  It gave me such a numb feeling that I didn't consider other people's feelings, which in turn, hurt people I love.  Btw- an imbalance in hormones can make you think about things in an unreasonable way or magnify issues that aren't that bad.  So you can see how my filter was needed.  If you are one of those people and I have not apologized, I do now. 

As things got worse and I realized that I felt like I was going crazy, I started talking to people and reading about what I should do.  Since we don't have a lot of money, I started with the things I read about.  I cut out processed foods, sugars, even started milling our own wheat.  I also joined a gym and tried different kinds of work outs.  All of those things did help, but not enough.  I realized that I had to just bite the bullet and spend money on a specialist.  I chose a hormonal specialist because after all of my research and tracking my cycle, it definitely seemed like there was something wrong with my progesterone levels and my thyroid checked out fine.  For many of my friends, other specialists have been helpful and actually cutting out sugars or processed foods greatly improved their energy levels and other symptoms.  So, I would definitely recommend to start there. 

Sidebar- When I talked to people about my symptoms, many had similar symptoms but not to the degree I did and pretty much made me feel like I should just suck it up and stop being lazy.  Since I knew that they didn't understand, I decided to ignore the hurt it could have caused and chalk it up to them trying to be helpful.  So, if you know someone struggling with their energy level, mind fog, depression, etc.  please don't make them feel like they are just being lazy or it is all in their mind.  I apologize to anyone I have made feel like that as well.

I read a blog or article one of my friends posted about Chrons and I could identify.  It basically explained a day for someone with limited energy levels compared to a normal person.  Although most days I probably had more energy than someone with Chrons, I had to pick and choose a handful of things I would do during a day because I couldn't do all the things I used to be able to do.  By 1 or 2pm, many times earlier depending on whether I did something big like go grocery shopping, I was pretty much done until time to cook and clean for the evening.  I felt like such a terrible mom, wife, friend, and family member.  I felt like I lived in a fog and couldn't think clearly so I didn't call, email, or make plans like I wanted to.  I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me.  I write this to encourage those who are going through the same thing and to help those who aren't to understand those who are.  Most people didn't know because I chose to be out when I had the most energy and could put on my happy face. (Having a toddler drains a lot of energy but is also a good default.  People pay more attention to him than me or he interrupts a LOT so I don't have to stay concentrated for a deep conversation.)

Currently, I can pretty much track my best and worse days.  Each month is slowly getting better, but I still have some issues to address during my next visit.  I definitely have more days when I am not foggy and feel normal.  Today is one.  : ) 

My encouragement to you:
- If you are struggling with a health issue, please do what you can to figure out what it is and treat it.  Even if it is just changing up your diet or lifestyle. 
- Remember that you don't have to always be ON or do everything everyone else seems to be doing.  God knows your heart. 
- If you know someone that is struggling with health issues (or any other issues be it chemical, emotional or physical), be patient with them and lower your expectations on what they "should" do.  Don't be offended if they don't call or make plans.  It isn't because they don't want to.  Just love them where they are.
-  Ignore any hurtful things the one struggling may say or do.  If it is hormones or a chemical imbalance, they aren't thinking clearly or reasonably.  
- Ignore the hurtful "encouraging" tips offered and remember it is given in love or concern.
- Don't pitty them or yourself.  Do what you can do when you can do it and APPRECIATE your life and those around you.
- Listen to your body and feel free to say NO.  That has been one of the hardest things for me because I am a task-oriented, people pleaser, with the spiritual gifts of mercy and service.  Which means I LOVE being involved and doing things to make someone's life brighter and easier.  (I guess I am learning how NOT to be a task-oriented people pleaser and it is freeing!)
- Remember that it is not only okay, but good to truly REST.

I want to close this by thanking my loved ones for your patience and understanding.  Especially my awesome husband and precious son who have to live with me.  I mentioned to Joe that a friend explained menopause by saying that her husband said she had 17 personalities and he didn't know which one to respond to moment by moment.  I thought it was funny until Joe said it is true.  My poor but awesome hubby.  I so appreciate him and am thankful that I am finally able to understand what is going on with me so I can respond more reasonably to him and others.  God is teaching me that I really don't have to "perform" for him or be a "Martha".  He loves me and takes care of me even when I don't do anything but pretty much lay on the couch for a day.  If my husband and son love me through my rough days, how much more does God love us?  WOW!

There are so many more things that I am learning during this time, but that is for another day.  . .       : )

Updates

Since it has been so long since my last post, I thought I would start by giving an update.  I love being home with Samuel and he seems to have benefited.  I am not saying that moms who work should stay home, but it has been a blessing for both Samuel and I.  When we used to pull in to a parking lot where he knew I would have to leave him for a short time, he would say, "NO!"  Now, he drags my arm to get to "school" (nursery at church or the gym).  He still doesn't like it when I leave him at home, but he will actually play by himself more so I can cook or clean.  He actually loves to help, and I try to let him.

For me, my health became an issue.  So, being home gave me less to juggle mentally and emotionally.  (although, being home comes with a list of new stresses)  For a couple of years or longer, my symptoms of fatigue, brain fog, and many others have slowly gotten worse.  I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me mentally because the doctors didn't take the symptoms seriously. They would try to prescribe birth control pills and antidepressants.  I also had several embarrassing outbursts of frustration or crying.  (There is a lady out there that shops at Walmart that thinks I am off my rocker after bursting out with a ARRRRHHH.  In my defense, she didn't HAVE to go down my short isle while I was on the phone trying to figure out what to get while Samuel was being his curious self next to the cart and the WET floor sign.  Maybe the next time she sees me, she will run in the opposite direction.)  I progress. . . Even through our years of trying to get pregnant, I had some of these symptoms, yet it was brushed off.  So, I tried eating healthy, exercising, cutting back on responsibilities, ...  You know, all the things people tell you to do to feel better.  Yet, it was getting worse.  I was feeling like a horrible wife, mother, friend, ect.  For the past 6 months or so, I have gone to seek specialists.  After all of my visits and getting background information from my family (my mom and her sisters went through this around my age as well) I have found out that I am going through "the change" early.  I am in peri/pre-menopause.  I did the egg test and my numbers are very low.  That means that if I don't get pregnant soon, it won't happen. (unless I have a Moses and Sarah experience)  The good news is that I am on a non-synthetic progesterone, which increases fertility.  After being on it for about 4 months, I am finally starting to feel like myself.  I actually made it through Sunday School and service this week without almost falling asleep or loosing track mentally.  That was a big deal. I didn't know that a hormonal imbalance can slow someone down so much.  Oh, another good news is that from better eating, exercising, and balancing my hormones better, I have lost almost 10 pounds.  (Some were gained back over the holidays, but getting them back off soon!)

Some people have asked about how we are doing financially.  Thankfully, in this past year after the adoption fees were paid, we were able to put some money in savings.  That money is helping to offset what Joe's paycheck can't cover. I must also mention that God has provided through friends, family, and other ways as well.  We are truly on LOCK-DOWN and try to only spend on necessities.  I appreciate so much more now, like driving to visit anyone anytime.

There are still no leads with a new job for Joe.  We so appreciate where he works now because they have helped us in so many ways and work with him as much as possible. There have been many possible leads that have ended with closed doors but God is definitely work on us through all of this. There have been many lessons learned/relearned.  I hope to share some on future posts.

Finally, we would love to adopt again, but the time is not now.  For now, we are focusing on trying to live on a small budget and trying to get pregnant.  I see pregnant women and want that.  I am sure that I would mourn if I never do, but I am not ready to mourn yet.  My arms are surrendered to whatever God knows is best for us.

Sorry that this was so long.  Now that my mind is beginning to work again, maybe I will write shorter posts more often.  Lord willing. . .


Thank you to those who continue to pray, encourage, and even offer advice to us.  We are truly rich in blessings.