Adopt Again?

First trip to the Atlanta Zoo with his cousins

    First of all, I want to give a quick update.

-My health is getting better.  Most days I am feeling more like myself.  If it weren't for these terrible allergies, I think I would have more normal days : )

- Joe still does not have a full-time ministry position but we are grateful for the job that he does have.  We are still praying for his "calling".

- God has totally provided this year with me staying home.  I didn't think that we had enough in savings to last past December.  Well, it is May and we are still able to pay the bills. : )  Praise God!

Now on to the question of adoption. . .

With me starting the pre-menopause stage early, it has felt like "now or never" time.  We have done the tracking and all that other stuff.  We actually got good news recently from the hormone specialist that I had a month where I ovulated.  Apparently even though my cycle is still regular, I don't ovulate most months.  He recommends IVF if we want to get pregnant. 

I was excited at first.  Maybe I could feel life in me and be with my baby from day 1!  But the more I thought about IVF, the more I felt like that isn't the direction we are being led towards.  I have ignored the leading and wasted lots of time, energy, money, and heart ache enough to learn how to recognize what I believe is God's leading.  Many of my friends are trying IVF or have gotten pregnant from it, but I just don't have a desire to go that route yet.  Joe has even less of a desire.  He and I both agree that we are not pursuing that route as of now.  Getting pregnant is still possible. 

First Carriage Ride

We both have a strong desire for another child, especially a little girl.  We have considered many options and are still considering, but are both still strongly drawn to a Korean nationality.  At this point, we have committed to praying for more clarity on when, where, or how.  But we would love to adopt again given the opportunity. 

Please join us in prayer and feel free to offer insight that could be helpful.  : )

Samuel's favorite spots

My cutie and me outside

Samuel LOVES being outside.  But when he first wakes up, he wants to be on mommy's lap.  In order to make the mornings go most smoothly, I have to get his breakfast, drink, and my coffee ready before he wakes up.  I also have to plan to not go anywhere until at least an hour after he wakes up. 

He has to have a list of things in his hands in order to be completely at rest.  So when he gets ready to get on my lap he is fumbling his drink, breakfast, and usually at least one toy (a train or truck) and gets frustrated. I constantly tell him to come to me and I will get everything he needs.  But I see the struggle of him wanting to do it himself and him wanting to sit with me and trust that I am going to do what I say. 

This made me think of how we are with God.  God gets things ready for us, often by letting us be in certain circumstances or even just by having the sun rise.  I feel like I have to get a list of things ready or think about all the things I have to do that day before I can sit with him.  But He says to come to Him and He will take care of the rest.  I do find that the days I sit with Him first thing in the morning, especially when I am not rushed, the rest of my day is more joyful.  That doesn't mean it goes smoothly, but I have a better attitude and mindset.    I am less frustrated and trust that God will keep His promises to me.  In other words, my "outside" time is so much more enjoyable.

Health Issues? Be encouraged.

This post is about health, but I wanted to lighten it up with some pictures of my growing boy.  









I am a little biased, but I think he is the cutest!  His smile melts my heart.  : )






 I posted these on FB but this one shows how silly he is.  It is hard to get a still photo of him smiling.

BTW- My husband is such a hunk!

 I don't know if you can tell, but he is sticking out his tongue here.  This was his first big lolly pop and he LOVED it!

                                                       






   Mommy's boy!!!

This hambok (traditional Korean clothes) was given by his foster mother.  So glad it still fits!  I posted pics of him in this from his first birthday.  My has he grown!







Okay, now to the heavier stuff. . . .

I wanted to post this because as I have talked to other people I find that so many feel like they are alone or don't know what to do about health issues that effect their daily lives.  As I mentioned earlier, I have been struggling with peri-menopause.  (Not all women have the same symptoms to the same degree, so don't fear if you haven't gotten there yet.  It may not be like this for you.)  For the last few years the symptoms started mildly and have gotten worse.  I went to OBGYNs and family practitioners in the midst of also trying to get pregnant and they just wanted to ignore the symptoms, put me on antidepressants, or give me birth control (which has worked for some).  No one wanted to get to the bottom of it.  I actually tried antidepressants for a few months, but it pretty much took away any filter from my mouth or actions.  NOT GOOD!  It gave me such a numb feeling that I didn't consider other people's feelings, which in turn, hurt people I love.  Btw- an imbalance in hormones can make you think about things in an unreasonable way or magnify issues that aren't that bad.  So you can see how my filter was needed.  If you are one of those people and I have not apologized, I do now. 

As things got worse and I realized that I felt like I was going crazy, I started talking to people and reading about what I should do.  Since we don't have a lot of money, I started with the things I read about.  I cut out processed foods, sugars, even started milling our own wheat.  I also joined a gym and tried different kinds of work outs.  All of those things did help, but not enough.  I realized that I had to just bite the bullet and spend money on a specialist.  I chose a hormonal specialist because after all of my research and tracking my cycle, it definitely seemed like there was something wrong with my progesterone levels and my thyroid checked out fine.  For many of my friends, other specialists have been helpful and actually cutting out sugars or processed foods greatly improved their energy levels and other symptoms.  So, I would definitely recommend to start there. 

Sidebar- When I talked to people about my symptoms, many had similar symptoms but not to the degree I did and pretty much made me feel like I should just suck it up and stop being lazy.  Since I knew that they didn't understand, I decided to ignore the hurt it could have caused and chalk it up to them trying to be helpful.  So, if you know someone struggling with their energy level, mind fog, depression, etc.  please don't make them feel like they are just being lazy or it is all in their mind.  I apologize to anyone I have made feel like that as well.

I read a blog or article one of my friends posted about Chrons and I could identify.  It basically explained a day for someone with limited energy levels compared to a normal person.  Although most days I probably had more energy than someone with Chrons, I had to pick and choose a handful of things I would do during a day because I couldn't do all the things I used to be able to do.  By 1 or 2pm, many times earlier depending on whether I did something big like go grocery shopping, I was pretty much done until time to cook and clean for the evening.  I felt like such a terrible mom, wife, friend, and family member.  I felt like I lived in a fog and couldn't think clearly so I didn't call, email, or make plans like I wanted to.  I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me.  I write this to encourage those who are going through the same thing and to help those who aren't to understand those who are.  Most people didn't know because I chose to be out when I had the most energy and could put on my happy face. (Having a toddler drains a lot of energy but is also a good default.  People pay more attention to him than me or he interrupts a LOT so I don't have to stay concentrated for a deep conversation.)

Currently, I can pretty much track my best and worse days.  Each month is slowly getting better, but I still have some issues to address during my next visit.  I definitely have more days when I am not foggy and feel normal.  Today is one.  : ) 

My encouragement to you:
- If you are struggling with a health issue, please do what you can to figure out what it is and treat it.  Even if it is just changing up your diet or lifestyle. 
- Remember that you don't have to always be ON or do everything everyone else seems to be doing.  God knows your heart. 
- If you know someone that is struggling with health issues (or any other issues be it chemical, emotional or physical), be patient with them and lower your expectations on what they "should" do.  Don't be offended if they don't call or make plans.  It isn't because they don't want to.  Just love them where they are.
-  Ignore any hurtful things the one struggling may say or do.  If it is hormones or a chemical imbalance, they aren't thinking clearly or reasonably.  
- Ignore the hurtful "encouraging" tips offered and remember it is given in love or concern.
- Don't pitty them or yourself.  Do what you can do when you can do it and APPRECIATE your life and those around you.
- Listen to your body and feel free to say NO.  That has been one of the hardest things for me because I am a task-oriented, people pleaser, with the spiritual gifts of mercy and service.  Which means I LOVE being involved and doing things to make someone's life brighter and easier.  (I guess I am learning how NOT to be a task-oriented people pleaser and it is freeing!)
- Remember that it is not only okay, but good to truly REST.

I want to close this by thanking my loved ones for your patience and understanding.  Especially my awesome husband and precious son who have to live with me.  I mentioned to Joe that a friend explained menopause by saying that her husband said she had 17 personalities and he didn't know which one to respond to moment by moment.  I thought it was funny until Joe said it is true.  My poor but awesome hubby.  I so appreciate him and am thankful that I am finally able to understand what is going on with me so I can respond more reasonably to him and others.  God is teaching me that I really don't have to "perform" for him or be a "Martha".  He loves me and takes care of me even when I don't do anything but pretty much lay on the couch for a day.  If my husband and son love me through my rough days, how much more does God love us?  WOW!

There are so many more things that I am learning during this time, but that is for another day.  . .       : )

Updates

Since it has been so long since my last post, I thought I would start by giving an update.  I love being home with Samuel and he seems to have benefited.  I am not saying that moms who work should stay home, but it has been a blessing for both Samuel and I.  When we used to pull in to a parking lot where he knew I would have to leave him for a short time, he would say, "NO!"  Now, he drags my arm to get to "school" (nursery at church or the gym).  He still doesn't like it when I leave him at home, but he will actually play by himself more so I can cook or clean.  He actually loves to help, and I try to let him.

For me, my health became an issue.  So, being home gave me less to juggle mentally and emotionally.  (although, being home comes with a list of new stresses)  For a couple of years or longer, my symptoms of fatigue, brain fog, and many others have slowly gotten worse.  I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me mentally because the doctors didn't take the symptoms seriously. They would try to prescribe birth control pills and antidepressants.  I also had several embarrassing outbursts of frustration or crying.  (There is a lady out there that shops at Walmart that thinks I am off my rocker after bursting out with a ARRRRHHH.  In my defense, she didn't HAVE to go down my short isle while I was on the phone trying to figure out what to get while Samuel was being his curious self next to the cart and the WET floor sign.  Maybe the next time she sees me, she will run in the opposite direction.)  I progress. . . Even through our years of trying to get pregnant, I had some of these symptoms, yet it was brushed off.  So, I tried eating healthy, exercising, cutting back on responsibilities, ...  You know, all the things people tell you to do to feel better.  Yet, it was getting worse.  I was feeling like a horrible wife, mother, friend, ect.  For the past 6 months or so, I have gone to seek specialists.  After all of my visits and getting background information from my family (my mom and her sisters went through this around my age as well) I have found out that I am going through "the change" early.  I am in peri/pre-menopause.  I did the egg test and my numbers are very low.  That means that if I don't get pregnant soon, it won't happen. (unless I have a Moses and Sarah experience)  The good news is that I am on a non-synthetic progesterone, which increases fertility.  After being on it for about 4 months, I am finally starting to feel like myself.  I actually made it through Sunday School and service this week without almost falling asleep or loosing track mentally.  That was a big deal. I didn't know that a hormonal imbalance can slow someone down so much.  Oh, another good news is that from better eating, exercising, and balancing my hormones better, I have lost almost 10 pounds.  (Some were gained back over the holidays, but getting them back off soon!)

Some people have asked about how we are doing financially.  Thankfully, in this past year after the adoption fees were paid, we were able to put some money in savings.  That money is helping to offset what Joe's paycheck can't cover. I must also mention that God has provided through friends, family, and other ways as well.  We are truly on LOCK-DOWN and try to only spend on necessities.  I appreciate so much more now, like driving to visit anyone anytime.

There are still no leads with a new job for Joe.  We so appreciate where he works now because they have helped us in so many ways and work with him as much as possible. There have been many possible leads that have ended with closed doors but God is definitely work on us through all of this. There have been many lessons learned/relearned.  I hope to share some on future posts.

Finally, we would love to adopt again, but the time is not now.  For now, we are focusing on trying to live on a small budget and trying to get pregnant.  I see pregnant women and want that.  I am sure that I would mourn if I never do, but I am not ready to mourn yet.  My arms are surrendered to whatever God knows is best for us.

Sorry that this was so long.  Now that my mind is beginning to work again, maybe I will write shorter posts more often.  Lord willing. . .


Thank you to those who continue to pray, encourage, and even offer advice to us.  We are truly rich in blessings. 

Exciting Opportunity to Trust God

     Samuel had his first beach trip a couple of weeks ago.  He LOVED the waves and sand.  I do notice that he enjoys toys and fun things like the water, but he mostly wants to explore.  When we first went to the pool, he didn't want to leave.  He cried loudly.  Now when we go, he is only in for a few minutes and then wants to get out to walk/run around and check things out.  He especially loves to turn on and off the water hoses.  He is beginning to enjoy playing with other kids, especially older ones.  Like most kids, he loves to be chased but he also thinks it is funny to copy silly things the big kids do.  One of his favorites is Ring Around the Rosies because he is a master at falling down.  When we are at home, he takes the pillows and puts them on the floor so he can dive off the couch on to them.  I am constantly calling him my silly boy.

     While we were at the beach, we both believe God has given us a direction, at least for one part of our lives.  We have been praying for a while about possibly me not teaching anymore.  In the past, I would tell people that I didn't think I could be a stay-at-home mom.  Some of my friends that have stayed at home have struggled with depression or just seemed tired or unhappy.  When Samuel first came, I stayed home for a couple of months and could see how one could feel isolated.  So, working was an outlet for me.  I felt connected to the world and that I was making a difference outside the home.  Since then, God has been working on my heart.  Samuel had a hard time, especially the last few months, with me leaving him.  I know this could be the "fear of abandonment" phase, but it was hard on me.  I love teaching, but I was so tired by the time I got home, Samuel would nap if he hadn't already while I got some housework done, and then when he woke up I had to cook dinner, clean up, and then maybe have a couple of hours with him before bedtime.  But I had Friday-Sunday with him all day and somehow it worked. 

    Our thought was that when Joe got another job and made more money, then I would stay home.   We were receiving help with Samuel's care even with both of us working, so there was no way I could quit.  We have heard other stories of families going on faith for the mom to stay home, but most of their husbands made at least $40,000 a year.  Well, that is not the case with us.  SO, when God started putting on our hearts, mostly Joe's, for me to stay home next school year, I was unsure.  But during this trip, God showed us in several ways that this is our time to take a leap of faith, not based on circumstances, but based on our trust and obedience to Him.  Since then, He has confirmed our decision in many ways, especially with His peace.  This means that I am officially a stay-at-home mom and couldn't be happier about it!!!

    Now, I don't know what things will look like nor I am trying to figure it out just yet.  We are praying about how to be wise with our finances and will be seeking guidance and tips from others that have had to do the same.  I have always been conscience of spending money, but even more so now.  Of course, God is our main source of wisdom and leading.  Joe doesn't have another job yet and we have no idea where or when he will.  If you have any money saving tips, we are happy to hear them! 

     We can say that your prayers have been answered in that we both are truly open to go anywhere and do whatever He calls us.  With one of the past possibilities, we had to consider whether we would move back to my hometown and live with my parents for a while.  We were both willing, even though it would be hard and uncomfortable at times.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are great and we get along wonderfully, but anyone bringing in a family to live in the same house with their parents (not having our own kitchen or living room) has uncomfortable moments.  BUT, this opportunity doesn't seem to be the one God is leading us to.  I could be wrong, but at this moment, it doesn't look like it is.  The good thing is, our hearts are open to moving or staying and now we know it. 

     So, thank you for your prayers!!!  Please continue to pray for God's guidance with Joe's job and our new situation.  That God will be glorified and we will continue to have peace and joy even when things look impossible. 

     BTW- We do still want more children and are praying for God's guidance with that as well.  I am having some health issues, nothing major, but would love to figure out what is causing these symptoms and to have a treatment, not just a band aid. There are several symptoms that have worsened over the years, but for me worst part is that I get tired very easily and have foggy thinking.  I am taking B12 and am waiting for blood test reports to see why.  We have done a lot of research and think we know the cause, but the doctors over the last 10 years haven't seemed to want to research it more.  Instead they want to put me on birth control pills, which I will not do because we want children.  So, I may be having to look for a new Dr. and specialist.  If you have a great proactive Dr. feel free to share their information with me.  : )

Limbo

Limbo is not necessarily a bad place to be. . .

It is funny how different people can take such different outlooks on the same situation.  There are at least 2 people that have told me how excited they are for me as we seek direction for the next step in our journey.  At first, I was not excited.  When reminded of a different perspective, my attitude has started to change.

In my quiet time this morning, God reminded me that our journey is not always easy-going, but instead can be more like a roller coaster.  There are ups, downs, thrills, discouragement . . .  At this moment, I feel like I am in line waiting for the next roller coaster ride.  What am I going to do while waiting?  I could try and predict what it is going to be like, analyze the possibilities, just stand there and wait anticipating the ride, or enjoy the moment and the people around me.  So, I chose the latter.  There are so many friends and family that I can enjoy before this lifestyle change.  No matter where we are, our lives are going to be different in some way.  I can enjoy the schedule and time we have now to be together and pray together as we seek together.  I can enjoy having my husband more to myself before he pastors a group or congregation.  I can enjoy being home for the summer with Samuel and not waste time trying to figure out things that may never come about. I can rest assure that God will tell us when and where we need to go when it is His time.

As far as an update on when or where, there isn't much to say yet.  Some doors have shut, which is good since they are not options anymore.  I can tell that God is changing our hearts as to what we want to do, but we still don't have a clear direction.

So, I will enjoy being in limbo and have faith in my faithful father who loves us with a steadfast love.  He will never fail us as we seek Him and not just answers.

Thank you to those who are praying!  It really makes a difference and we are truly appreciative!  God is definitely working.  : )

What If Following is Not Easy?

     So, I guess it has been a while.  Samuel is now 2 years old and is officially our son.  We still wait for Proof of Citizenship so we can change his name on things such as his SS number.  But he is with us and happy.

     Now we are desiring a brother of sister for Samuel.  We are not sure whether that means another adoption yet or not.  We both would love to adopt again, but haven't given up completely with having a biological child either.  We will wait and pray and see. . .

     Even more pressing right now is where God is leading us in the next chapter of life. 

     Joe finished seminary and has gotten his liscensure.  He has to have a "call" before going through the ordination process.  That means that he has to have a ministry job.  We are also praying about me being able to stay home full-time with Samuel.  I feel like we need to know something soon because before we know it, Fall will be here and I will have to start teaching.  With Joe's current job, I don't think we could pay the bills.  As a matter of fact, we have been blessed with people helping us in various ways, such as giving us food and clothes periodically.  We are truly grateful and God sends things right when we need it.  (He is not often early.)

     Right now, there may be a couple of opportunities, but we are not sure which of these doors or if either of them are the ones God has for us next.  We pray and discuss and pray.  Still we are not convinced of anything.  But it has brought up the thought of true surrender and following.  When Joe finished seminary, my mind came up with an unwritten list of what I wanted our next step to look like.  We would stay here, Joe would find a job at our church, and Samuel will be able to go to my school when he is old enough.  Oh, and I would get to stay home with him until then. That is still not impossible, but that is not full surrender.  Maybe God is calling us to move.  And even worse to an area where we don't want to go.  What if we have to short sale our home and ruin our credit?  What if I will have to find a job somewhere else and find someone new to trust Samuel with while I am gone?  What if. . . ?  Would I still be up for following God?  I know deep down that God knows what is best for us and His people. But right now, I don't want to move.  After 6 years of living here, I finally love it!  

     I keep praying for God to change my heart if it is not aligned with His.  I know that wherever He calls us, we will go.  We love and trust Him enough to give up our selfish desires and ambitions and go where He desires to grow and use us.  Through the adoption and many other times when we have just had to trust Him, He has shown us His love and faithfulness.

     Please pray for us to hear God's leading and walk with confidence wherever He calls.  Also pray for our hearts.  Whatever it will be, our lives will not be as they are now.  Ask God to prepare us and make us ready to let go of whatever securities or comforts we enjoy now and be thankful for what we will have then.  May God be glorified and others see Him through all of this as with the adoption.