Delight

A friend of mine, with my same name, gave me one of those bookmarks with your name, it's meaning and a verse. Kim means "from the Royal Meadow" and the verse is "Delight yourself in the Lord; and he shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

You know how you can understand and believe something, but then grasp a greater understanding of it later. Usually it is an experience or event that sort of "open your eyes" to see it more clearly. Well, that is what this adoption process is doing for me in MANY areas. I see more of my sin, more of God's grace, and more of Him.

Believe it or not, I have always been quite insecure. I still feel myself get nervous even in a small group of adults when they are all looking at me and listening to me. I don't know how to take compliments and get embarrassed by them. Most of the time, I have been the side-kick friend or the one that has many friends but not really a core group. I have learned how to be open without being vulnerable. There have been seasons in my life when I have found courage to be free of what others think of me, to an extent, and let my "go get em" part come out in social arenas, which embarrassed me even more than sitting back and watching.

In the past 6 years, God has slowly been releasing me of different insecurities. I found acceptance in Him and have been called to do things that others close to me did not agree with. I've experienced persecution, which was very hard, but God walked with me through it. Then, he put an individual in my life that has been very hurtful and judgmental. I would cry when I knew I had to see that person because I didn't know if this person was in a good mood or not. If this person was, things could be very nice. If not, things were very uncomfortable. Over the years, I still get nervous and pray, but I am over letting another person's judgment or mood effect me so much.

Needless to say, I have not experienced the love and acceptance from others like I have recently. Now, my family loves both Joe and I unconditionally. It just took me years of making horrible mistakes for me to realize it. But as far as those outside of my family, and a few others, I don't generally get too close. I have learned to have low expectations so that I am not disappointed.

The same holds true with God. I know that He loves and accepts me, but my expectations are low. I can easily believe that He will work miracles in others lives, but don't believe that He wants to do it for me. Maybe because I lost my grandmother to cancer after praying and believing she would be healed, or after Him letting me go through a divorce or the other many disappointing and hurtful things that I have been through. I have kind of viewed my life more like Isaiah's. I go through trials and tribulations to glorify God by my clinging to Him. He always carries me through the storms and definitely works on my character through it. I come out of things feeling closer to Him and although not wanting more trials, thankful for them.

But this time things are different. God's is pouring out blessings upon blessings, miracles after miracles. He is showering me with His love and using His people to love on me like never before. I don't know how to handle it. Before we even started this process people came up to us and offered us financial support to adopt. One even sent us a check. God put different people in our lives to make it clear that this is the direction He is taking us. We have had so many people praying for us, including precious children. Every step of the way, God has either given us favor in people's mind to open doors or had others provide for things we have needed. This weekend, a family offered frequent flier miles to get Joe and I to Korea and back. Someone else brought up the idea and they responded. Even now, we are preparing for baby showers, writing "Thank you" letters, and seeing others get just as excited as we are. WOW! I really mean WOW! We are having to sit back and let God drive. This is so new to me. I'm used to doing things without major help from others. I'm not used to people giving so generously to me. I asked my principal this week, "How should I respond?" I am so overwhelmed with gratitude that words can not express it.

I went to something called "Coffee Talk" this week at my church. I only went because someone invited me. Ginny Owens was the speaker and she played a song that has helped me through many trials. The chorus says, "I will walk through the fire, if you want me to." It reminded me of all that God has brought me through. Then she played a song, "Call Me Beautiful", and I could hear God speaking to my heart, "I love you so much." It was like an "Aha!" moment. All of these blessings is not because of my works, and I shouldn't beat myself up when I fall short. No, all of this is because He loves me despite my damnable good deeds (which I knew to an extent, but I somehow understand it more). I don't deserve it, which makes me want to love Him more. I can see His love and true character even more clearly, so that I can delight even more in Him. Every prayer, encouragement, gift, and blessing, just points me to Him in thanksgiving. All of this is not just so that my dream of being a mother can be fulfilled. It is so much greater than that and me.

My prayer is that all of this will help you to see His love for you more clearly and for you to truly trust in His faithfulness. When you are adopted by God, you benefit from being a child of the king of kings. Wow! What a true honor and blessing.