Healing Slowly

                           Samuel is representing the One who battles for our hearts.

The good news is that I am definitely healing.  The bad news is that it is way slower than I expected.  The good news is that God is in control, I am not.

First, here are the answers to the questions I get:
Do I get bored?  YES

How am I feeling? I hurt, get tired easily, and can't sit up long, which sometimes effects drainage from my allergies causing headaches and nausea. Rainy or almost rainy days are the worst.

How am I doing? I think considering all of those things that I haven't yelled at or hurt anyone, I am doing ok.  ; )  No really, it is frustrating,  but it is causing me to pray and surrender more.

How is having Joe home? Actually, it is nice. At the beginning of the school year, I couldn't wait for nuggets of alone time, but now that he is driving Samuel to school and back,  I get alone time, but it is also nice to have him home.  He is so patient and helpful.   We are able to talk about deep thoughts and feelings. He is learning what my life as a mom and wife are like and I am learning that I can trust him to do the things I usually do. We are enjoying our time with Samuel and he is getting good quality time with Joe.  Quality time and words of affirmation are ways that Samuel feels loved.

How is Samuel doing?  He seems to be doing ok. His feelings about going to school are the same. He enjoys being home. He is bonding more with Joe. I get snuggles in the morning and after school.  He is also serving me in ways that I used to do for him.  He is so thoughtful and happy-go-lucky.

Being home and forced to rest, I have LOTS of time to think.  I am on FB a lot and read happy and heart breaking posts.  I see fun activities and some friends going to the hospital.  There is such a wide spectrum of how people are spending the holidays.  It all makes me put things into perspective.

This year, I have less worldly things and mobility, things that I struggled with contentment in the past.  I used to compare and want what others had.  But this year, I don't.  (Not that what they have aren't great.)  I am just content in my life and in the One who is the giver of good gifts. This year,  I have more gratitude,  more compassion, more love, more peace, more joy, more patience . . .  I find myself praying, reading God's Word,  talking to my husband and son about God, and seeking God's truth/ways more.  Who He is and what He wants not just how I should strive to be or perform.   It is freeing and healing.

I am not comparing my hysterectomy to a broken heart or spirit.  I have experienced the loss of a loved one, rejection through divorce and other ways, and waiting tirelessly for something that I longed for.  The emotions are different. Aside from the differences, the healing process can be a little similar.  As I think about and pray for those who are also healing in various ways, I offer some encouragement.  Please don't expect a deadline for the pain to stop.  Know that healing is slow and some wounds never go away. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to take a break.  It is okay to get frustrated.  It is okay to even get angry. Some days will be harder than others. It is okay to share your heart with others.  Just don't forget to let our heavenly physician and counselor to help you through it.  You will experience healing and freedom in other ways as you do.  Don't give up.  Have hope in the One who is in control.

Hysterectomy... a blessing?

1. 

    I always have to start with pictures of my cuties.

We were messing around at the hospital.

     Many have asked for details and my thoughts about my recent surgery.  Back in September, I had to go to the ER because I was having severe abdominal pain. I remember praying that I would be able to get to the root of all my health issues and get it taken care of.  After lots of tests, we found out that I had an infected cyst and so took antibiotics for a month or so.  When I went back, the doctor said it was not going away on its own and it had effected my ovary.  She found some other issues such as fibroids and suggested a full hysterectomy.  While I was waiting to hear what she would say after the ultrasound, I was praying that the cyst had gone down but was convicted to stop and pray for God's will instead. I had a sense it hadn't and so wasn't surprised at her suggestion.
     The doctor and staff worked hard at getting me scheduled before Thanksgiving so that I could use the break for my recovery and have to take less days.  Plus, I was in pain.  I am so thankful for that and the support of my coworkers, my class and their parents.  God was covering me with love and encouragement.
     During my surgery, the doctor had to call in another doctor to help because she found endometriosis and my intestines were tangled up around my tubes.  It was already a late surgery and what should have taken 2 hours took 3 1/2 hours.  (All was done laparoscpically, which was an answer to prayer.) I felt so bad for the doctors and my hubby, but I am so glad that the surgery was finished and they found the root to many of my health issues.  I have spent the last several years looking into things like PCOS and hormone imbalances. I have tried cutting out certain foods, exercising, using essential oils, detoxing, etc. All of which helped some but there was still a battle with fatigue, feeling sick often, pain, bowel and female issues.  Now that they found endometriosis, it makes so much sense.   The doctor even said that she can't imagine how much pain I was in after seeing what was going on in me.  She also said that I am going to feel like a whole new woman after revovery.
     So, I am thankful.  I am a bit sad that it is a closed door but it is better than wondering from month to month if I am pregnant because I would often experience the same symptoms.  It is better than struggling to live normally when I want feeling normal.   I would feel so bad cancelling or saying no to so many things because of my health and not really having a good reason.  I often wondered if people thought I was faking it.  I am so happy being Samuel's mom and teaching my sweet students that I am ok not starting over with another young one.  Plus, we used to talk about adopting again.  There is no telling right now if that will happen later.  The door to  more children is not completely closed, just one of the routes.
     It has been about  2 1/2 weeks since the surgery and I had hoped recovery was faster but am realizing that it is a very slow process.  I have found many ways the abdominals are used that I didn't realize before. I try to get out a little but get tired easily. I have been able to cut back on the pain meds and have less nausea. Lord willing, I will be back at work after 4 weeks of recovery as the doctor is predicting.
     Thankfully, Joe is home during this season to take care of Samuel and me.  He cooks, cleans, drives, and helps me get around.  We continue to pray for leading to a job for Joe but it hasn't happened yet.  We are once again on lock-down financially and are paying month to month for insurance extention.  The doctor and hospital bills keep coming in, but the good news is that God has given us peace through it all.  He has answered prayer by prayer in His way.  We have had time to be still, study, and pray.  God reminds us that He is in control and we can rest in Him.  Trust is the word he gave me at the beginning of the school year and continues to lay on my heart.  He has provided all that we need. He surrounds us with love and encouragement through so many ways and people.  We are reminded that He is not a genie but a loving father and powerful king that wants our hearts, minds, worship... our everything.  And so, if this hysterectomy brings glory to God, then yes, it is a blessing.

My mom hung out with Samuel while I was at the hospital.  He loves his halmony.

Thankfulness

Gotcha Day was November 17th.

It has been 4 blessed years with our sweetie.

Words can not express the love and joy this precious boy brings into our lives!!!

     As the "month of thankfulness" passes away, I have been reminded of so many things that I appreciate.  I can not even begin to list all of them.  I can, however, share some of the thoughts and lessons I have learned recently.  First of all, thankfulness is a heart of gratitude.  Things in life don't have to be perfect or even "peachy" to have a heart of gratitude.  I am learning to be thankful in the midst of struggles, pain, fear, worry . . .  If I think back to my life only 5 years ago, I can see that I have changed.  My eyes have been opened to new ideas.  My perspectives have changed.  I am more sensitive to the fact that everyone has their own story, joys, and sorrows.  I can acknowledge that there is so much that I don't know or understand, and that I don't have the correct answer for everyone's situation. But I am also more confident in the decisions that we make and rely less on the "opinions" of others.  I experience freedom in doing what God is leading us to do.  I guess it is just growth and maturity, but I am not sure if I would be here in this state of mind if I hadn't gone through everything.  And so, I can be thankful for even the trials.  

Romans 5:3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

(Please read before and after for the context.) : )

On another note:  

     I am thankful for those who have encouraged, prayed for, and been a part of Samuel's growth.  He has not only grown physically, he has grown in confidence and independence.  I have even had moms that I run into periodically at the park mention how much he has changed.  One mom even said that he seems like a different boy.  He used to not really want to talk, go to school, hang out with anyone without me there (except his cousins Drewby and Cha Cha), go near loud places, and was very self-conscience.  Now, he is flourishing at school, talks so much more (still working on intelligibility, but it is MUCH better), says hi to the teachers and staff at school, blows me kisses when he sees me in the hallway (instead of crying), enjoys hanging out with daddy while I am in another room or gone, plays with (not alongside) other kids, talks about his many friends at school, has braved going on a few blow up slides (the fans are loud), and expresses his feelings.  He has such a sweet and sensitive heart and I am glad to see him feeling more free to share it.  He has even raised his hand to share praise reports during staff prayer.  That is a BIG deal!  I am so proud of him!  

     So, thank you for being patient with us as we have spent the year focusing our time on helping him to feel more secure.  Thank you for encouraging us to do what we need to do for our family.  Thank you for praying for us.  Thank you for supporting and loving us.  We are richly blessed with friends, family, and our God.  

Awkward Conversations

     I am not sure if it is because of the perimenopause, having a small child, being a stay-at-home mom, or a combination of all 3, but most conversations feel awkward to me.  In the last few years, most of the time I walk away from a conversation and think, "Did I really say that?", "Why didn't I say anything?", "Why can't I think straight?", or "What were we talking about?"  Now, there are the rare times when I get more than a minute to talk to someone without interruptions because Samuel is busy playing with older kids or not with me that I can get more comfortable and carry on a real conversation.  Even then, sometimes, I don't know what to say or how to stay on track with one thought.

     I realize that the majority of my conversations are with Samuel to where I have to repeat what he says to model correct speech and acknowledge that I understand him or ones that only need simple thought like, "The garbage truck man throws the garbage in a truck, not on the ground."  (Samuel likes to reenact things.)

      Other than that, I get to talk to my wonderful husband, friends with kids, or family.  Even then, our conversations are interrupted often and are all over the place.  I think Joe and most of those with small children are used to it also, so I don't feel as weird when I ask or tell something off-topic or forget what the topic is.  Also, the silence times are not as awkward with them as I am sure we are appreciating it together.  LOL

All that to say, I apologize to anyone who has walked away asking, "What is she on?" or "What was she thinking?", or to anyone I have offended by not talking at all.  Sometimes it is easier to not attempt a conversation beyond a greeting.  Oh, talking on the phone is worse than in person because I can't see the person talking to me and get more easily distracted.  So, don't bother trying to have a phone conversation with me.  E-mail me or let's get together.

Also, I want to know who else has this same struggle and how do you deal with it?  BTW- I do exercise regularly, watch what I eat, have cut back on sugar, salt, and processed foods, and already do stuff for the perimenopause.   I guess I want more to hear that I am not alone.

Oh, and don't feel bad for me.  I am totally fine with where I am in life.  I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom to a busy boy and don't mind not having deep conversations often.  I have them with Joe and tell God all that I am thinking and struggling with.  So, I am truly good. : )

The Blame Game

I have to start with a cute picture of my boy. : )









Have you ever thought how nice this world would be if only people treated others the way they would like to be treated?  You know, the whole do unto others thing.  Well, I have. . . a LOT.  Especially when others are not doing unto me as I would like. 

One of my biggest annoyances is when people blame things like their attitude or actions on other people or events?  It probably annoys me because I used to do it. . . ahem. . . still do it.

This morning is a perfect example.  I went to the local mail center to get 2 unrelated forms notarized.  One of the forms was to get out of jury duty due to being a full-time childcare provider (stay at home mom).  Well, I pull out the form and begin filling it out only to notice that it is a student form, and I am not a student.  UGH. That began my annoyance.  Why did they send me the wrong form?  It took me a while to get an actually person on the phone to request the form last time, and now I have to do it again.  GRRRRR. . .

Then I pulled out the other form to sign.  I signed it.  Good done!  Not quite.   Apparently I signed my license with K.L. DeGuido and not Kimberley DeGuido.   And since I signed the form once with the wrong name, I couldn't sign it again, which meant I had to get another form.  So I left there with a bad attitude.  Thankfully, I didn't say or do what I felt like to the lady trying to help me and refusing to notarize the form due to a matter of letters.  I am still K.L. DeGuido!  double GRRRR. . . 

I get home and called the automated system several times trying to figure out how to get a real person on the phone.  The guy who helped me was really nice and apologized several times.  After getting off the phone, I was convicted.  I had that letter for days and didn't bother to look at it before taking it to get notarized.  I could have checked my drivers license to see how I signed it before signing the second form.  These people were just doing their job.  Granted the first guy did mess up, but I have made mistakes when I was in a service position.  How would I have wanted them to respond to me then?  If I was the lady at the mail service center, how would I want to be treated for following the guidelines? 

All that to say, I was convicted that if I really truly believe in the Do Unto Others rule, then the only person I can start with is myself.  I can stop blaming people or circumstances for my attitude or actions.  I can't change other people, but I can choose how to respond.  I know that I am no where near perfect but I can at least try to be conscious of my thoughts and actions.  Of course, I get my strength and ability from the one who made up the Do Unto Others rule.  If am so thankful for the mercy and love He gives me, then I should be more merciful and loving to others.  

On a side note, that doesn't mean letting others run all over you.  Real love does involve confrontations.  But keep in mind how you would want someone to confront you.

                                                      Check out my handsome guys.  : )

Adopt Again?

First trip to the Atlanta Zoo with his cousins

    First of all, I want to give a quick update.

-My health is getting better.  Most days I am feeling more like myself.  If it weren't for these terrible allergies, I think I would have more normal days : )

- Joe still does not have a full-time ministry position but we are grateful for the job that he does have.  We are still praying for his "calling".

- God has totally provided this year with me staying home.  I didn't think that we had enough in savings to last past December.  Well, it is May and we are still able to pay the bills. : )  Praise God!

Now on to the question of adoption. . .

With me starting the pre-menopause stage early, it has felt like "now or never" time.  We have done the tracking and all that other stuff.  We actually got good news recently from the hormone specialist that I had a month where I ovulated.  Apparently even though my cycle is still regular, I don't ovulate most months.  He recommends IVF if we want to get pregnant. 

I was excited at first.  Maybe I could feel life in me and be with my baby from day 1!  But the more I thought about IVF, the more I felt like that isn't the direction we are being led towards.  I have ignored the leading and wasted lots of time, energy, money, and heart ache enough to learn how to recognize what I believe is God's leading.  Many of my friends are trying IVF or have gotten pregnant from it, but I just don't have a desire to go that route yet.  Joe has even less of a desire.  He and I both agree that we are not pursuing that route as of now.  Getting pregnant is still possible. 

First Carriage Ride

We both have a strong desire for another child, especially a little girl.  We have considered many options and are still considering, but are both still strongly drawn to a Korean nationality.  At this point, we have committed to praying for more clarity on when, where, or how.  But we would love to adopt again given the opportunity. 

Please join us in prayer and feel free to offer insight that could be helpful.  : )

Samuel's favorite spots

My cutie and me outside

Samuel LOVES being outside.  But when he first wakes up, he wants to be on mommy's lap.  In order to make the mornings go most smoothly, I have to get his breakfast, drink, and my coffee ready before he wakes up.  I also have to plan to not go anywhere until at least an hour after he wakes up. 

He has to have a list of things in his hands in order to be completely at rest.  So when he gets ready to get on my lap he is fumbling his drink, breakfast, and usually at least one toy (a train or truck) and gets frustrated. I constantly tell him to come to me and I will get everything he needs.  But I see the struggle of him wanting to do it himself and him wanting to sit with me and trust that I am going to do what I say. 

This made me think of how we are with God.  God gets things ready for us, often by letting us be in certain circumstances or even just by having the sun rise.  I feel like I have to get a list of things ready or think about all the things I have to do that day before I can sit with him.  But He says to come to Him and He will take care of the rest.  I do find that the days I sit with Him first thing in the morning, especially when I am not rushed, the rest of my day is more joyful.  That doesn't mean it goes smoothly, but I have a better attitude and mindset.    I am less frustrated and trust that God will keep His promises to me.  In other words, my "outside" time is so much more enjoyable.

Health Issues? Be encouraged.

This post is about health, but I wanted to lighten it up with some pictures of my growing boy.  









I am a little biased, but I think he is the cutest!  His smile melts my heart.  : )






 I posted these on FB but this one shows how silly he is.  It is hard to get a still photo of him smiling.

BTW- My husband is such a hunk!

 I don't know if you can tell, but he is sticking out his tongue here.  This was his first big lolly pop and he LOVED it!

                                                       






   Mommy's boy!!!

This hambok (traditional Korean clothes) was given by his foster mother.  So glad it still fits!  I posted pics of him in this from his first birthday.  My has he grown!







Okay, now to the heavier stuff. . . .

I wanted to post this because as I have talked to other people I find that so many feel like they are alone or don't know what to do about health issues that effect their daily lives.  As I mentioned earlier, I have been struggling with peri-menopause.  (Not all women have the same symptoms to the same degree, so don't fear if you haven't gotten there yet.  It may not be like this for you.)  For the last few years the symptoms started mildly and have gotten worse.  I went to OBGYNs and family practitioners in the midst of also trying to get pregnant and they just wanted to ignore the symptoms, put me on antidepressants, or give me birth control (which has worked for some).  No one wanted to get to the bottom of it.  I actually tried antidepressants for a few months, but it pretty much took away any filter from my mouth or actions.  NOT GOOD!  It gave me such a numb feeling that I didn't consider other people's feelings, which in turn, hurt people I love.  Btw- an imbalance in hormones can make you think about things in an unreasonable way or magnify issues that aren't that bad.  So you can see how my filter was needed.  If you are one of those people and I have not apologized, I do now. 

As things got worse and I realized that I felt like I was going crazy, I started talking to people and reading about what I should do.  Since we don't have a lot of money, I started with the things I read about.  I cut out processed foods, sugars, even started milling our own wheat.  I also joined a gym and tried different kinds of work outs.  All of those things did help, but not enough.  I realized that I had to just bite the bullet and spend money on a specialist.  I chose a hormonal specialist because after all of my research and tracking my cycle, it definitely seemed like there was something wrong with my progesterone levels and my thyroid checked out fine.  For many of my friends, other specialists have been helpful and actually cutting out sugars or processed foods greatly improved their energy levels and other symptoms.  So, I would definitely recommend to start there. 

Sidebar- When I talked to people about my symptoms, many had similar symptoms but not to the degree I did and pretty much made me feel like I should just suck it up and stop being lazy.  Since I knew that they didn't understand, I decided to ignore the hurt it could have caused and chalk it up to them trying to be helpful.  So, if you know someone struggling with their energy level, mind fog, depression, etc.  please don't make them feel like they are just being lazy or it is all in their mind.  I apologize to anyone I have made feel like that as well.

I read a blog or article one of my friends posted about Chrons and I could identify.  It basically explained a day for someone with limited energy levels compared to a normal person.  Although most days I probably had more energy than someone with Chrons, I had to pick and choose a handful of things I would do during a day because I couldn't do all the things I used to be able to do.  By 1 or 2pm, many times earlier depending on whether I did something big like go grocery shopping, I was pretty much done until time to cook and clean for the evening.  I felt like such a terrible mom, wife, friend, and family member.  I felt like I lived in a fog and couldn't think clearly so I didn't call, email, or make plans like I wanted to.  I don't tell you this to make you feel sorry for me.  I write this to encourage those who are going through the same thing and to help those who aren't to understand those who are.  Most people didn't know because I chose to be out when I had the most energy and could put on my happy face. (Having a toddler drains a lot of energy but is also a good default.  People pay more attention to him than me or he interrupts a LOT so I don't have to stay concentrated for a deep conversation.)

Currently, I can pretty much track my best and worse days.  Each month is slowly getting better, but I still have some issues to address during my next visit.  I definitely have more days when I am not foggy and feel normal.  Today is one.  : ) 

My encouragement to you:
- If you are struggling with a health issue, please do what you can to figure out what it is and treat it.  Even if it is just changing up your diet or lifestyle. 
- Remember that you don't have to always be ON or do everything everyone else seems to be doing.  God knows your heart. 
- If you know someone that is struggling with health issues (or any other issues be it chemical, emotional or physical), be patient with them and lower your expectations on what they "should" do.  Don't be offended if they don't call or make plans.  It isn't because they don't want to.  Just love them where they are.
-  Ignore any hurtful things the one struggling may say or do.  If it is hormones or a chemical imbalance, they aren't thinking clearly or reasonably.  
- Ignore the hurtful "encouraging" tips offered and remember it is given in love or concern.
- Don't pitty them or yourself.  Do what you can do when you can do it and APPRECIATE your life and those around you.
- Listen to your body and feel free to say NO.  That has been one of the hardest things for me because I am a task-oriented, people pleaser, with the spiritual gifts of mercy and service.  Which means I LOVE being involved and doing things to make someone's life brighter and easier.  (I guess I am learning how NOT to be a task-oriented people pleaser and it is freeing!)
- Remember that it is not only okay, but good to truly REST.

I want to close this by thanking my loved ones for your patience and understanding.  Especially my awesome husband and precious son who have to live with me.  I mentioned to Joe that a friend explained menopause by saying that her husband said she had 17 personalities and he didn't know which one to respond to moment by moment.  I thought it was funny until Joe said it is true.  My poor but awesome hubby.  I so appreciate him and am thankful that I am finally able to understand what is going on with me so I can respond more reasonably to him and others.  God is teaching me that I really don't have to "perform" for him or be a "Martha".  He loves me and takes care of me even when I don't do anything but pretty much lay on the couch for a day.  If my husband and son love me through my rough days, how much more does God love us?  WOW!

There are so many more things that I am learning during this time, but that is for another day.  . .       : )

Updates

Since it has been so long since my last post, I thought I would start by giving an update.  I love being home with Samuel and he seems to have benefited.  I am not saying that moms who work should stay home, but it has been a blessing for both Samuel and I.  When we used to pull in to a parking lot where he knew I would have to leave him for a short time, he would say, "NO!"  Now, he drags my arm to get to "school" (nursery at church or the gym).  He still doesn't like it when I leave him at home, but he will actually play by himself more so I can cook or clean.  He actually loves to help, and I try to let him.

For me, my health became an issue.  So, being home gave me less to juggle mentally and emotionally.  (although, being home comes with a list of new stresses)  For a couple of years or longer, my symptoms of fatigue, brain fog, and many others have slowly gotten worse.  I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me mentally because the doctors didn't take the symptoms seriously. They would try to prescribe birth control pills and antidepressants.  I also had several embarrassing outbursts of frustration or crying.  (There is a lady out there that shops at Walmart that thinks I am off my rocker after bursting out with a ARRRRHHH.  In my defense, she didn't HAVE to go down my short isle while I was on the phone trying to figure out what to get while Samuel was being his curious self next to the cart and the WET floor sign.  Maybe the next time she sees me, she will run in the opposite direction.)  I progress. . . Even through our years of trying to get pregnant, I had some of these symptoms, yet it was brushed off.  So, I tried eating healthy, exercising, cutting back on responsibilities, ...  You know, all the things people tell you to do to feel better.  Yet, it was getting worse.  I was feeling like a horrible wife, mother, friend, ect.  For the past 6 months or so, I have gone to seek specialists.  After all of my visits and getting background information from my family (my mom and her sisters went through this around my age as well) I have found out that I am going through "the change" early.  I am in peri/pre-menopause.  I did the egg test and my numbers are very low.  That means that if I don't get pregnant soon, it won't happen. (unless I have a Moses and Sarah experience)  The good news is that I am on a non-synthetic progesterone, which increases fertility.  After being on it for about 4 months, I am finally starting to feel like myself.  I actually made it through Sunday School and service this week without almost falling asleep or loosing track mentally.  That was a big deal. I didn't know that a hormonal imbalance can slow someone down so much.  Oh, another good news is that from better eating, exercising, and balancing my hormones better, I have lost almost 10 pounds.  (Some were gained back over the holidays, but getting them back off soon!)

Some people have asked about how we are doing financially.  Thankfully, in this past year after the adoption fees were paid, we were able to put some money in savings.  That money is helping to offset what Joe's paycheck can't cover. I must also mention that God has provided through friends, family, and other ways as well.  We are truly on LOCK-DOWN and try to only spend on necessities.  I appreciate so much more now, like driving to visit anyone anytime.

There are still no leads with a new job for Joe.  We so appreciate where he works now because they have helped us in so many ways and work with him as much as possible. There have been many possible leads that have ended with closed doors but God is definitely work on us through all of this. There have been many lessons learned/relearned.  I hope to share some on future posts.

Finally, we would love to adopt again, but the time is not now.  For now, we are focusing on trying to live on a small budget and trying to get pregnant.  I see pregnant women and want that.  I am sure that I would mourn if I never do, but I am not ready to mourn yet.  My arms are surrendered to whatever God knows is best for us.

Sorry that this was so long.  Now that my mind is beginning to work again, maybe I will write shorter posts more often.  Lord willing. . .


Thank you to those who continue to pray, encourage, and even offer advice to us.  We are truly rich in blessings. 

Exciting Opportunity to Trust God

     Samuel had his first beach trip a couple of weeks ago.  He LOVED the waves and sand.  I do notice that he enjoys toys and fun things like the water, but he mostly wants to explore.  When we first went to the pool, he didn't want to leave.  He cried loudly.  Now when we go, he is only in for a few minutes and then wants to get out to walk/run around and check things out.  He especially loves to turn on and off the water hoses.  He is beginning to enjoy playing with other kids, especially older ones.  Like most kids, he loves to be chased but he also thinks it is funny to copy silly things the big kids do.  One of his favorites is Ring Around the Rosies because he is a master at falling down.  When we are at home, he takes the pillows and puts them on the floor so he can dive off the couch on to them.  I am constantly calling him my silly boy.

     While we were at the beach, we both believe God has given us a direction, at least for one part of our lives.  We have been praying for a while about possibly me not teaching anymore.  In the past, I would tell people that I didn't think I could be a stay-at-home mom.  Some of my friends that have stayed at home have struggled with depression or just seemed tired or unhappy.  When Samuel first came, I stayed home for a couple of months and could see how one could feel isolated.  So, working was an outlet for me.  I felt connected to the world and that I was making a difference outside the home.  Since then, God has been working on my heart.  Samuel had a hard time, especially the last few months, with me leaving him.  I know this could be the "fear of abandonment" phase, but it was hard on me.  I love teaching, but I was so tired by the time I got home, Samuel would nap if he hadn't already while I got some housework done, and then when he woke up I had to cook dinner, clean up, and then maybe have a couple of hours with him before bedtime.  But I had Friday-Sunday with him all day and somehow it worked. 

    Our thought was that when Joe got another job and made more money, then I would stay home.   We were receiving help with Samuel's care even with both of us working, so there was no way I could quit.  We have heard other stories of families going on faith for the mom to stay home, but most of their husbands made at least $40,000 a year.  Well, that is not the case with us.  SO, when God started putting on our hearts, mostly Joe's, for me to stay home next school year, I was unsure.  But during this trip, God showed us in several ways that this is our time to take a leap of faith, not based on circumstances, but based on our trust and obedience to Him.  Since then, He has confirmed our decision in many ways, especially with His peace.  This means that I am officially a stay-at-home mom and couldn't be happier about it!!!

    Now, I don't know what things will look like nor I am trying to figure it out just yet.  We are praying about how to be wise with our finances and will be seeking guidance and tips from others that have had to do the same.  I have always been conscience of spending money, but even more so now.  Of course, God is our main source of wisdom and leading.  Joe doesn't have another job yet and we have no idea where or when he will.  If you have any money saving tips, we are happy to hear them! 

     We can say that your prayers have been answered in that we both are truly open to go anywhere and do whatever He calls us.  With one of the past possibilities, we had to consider whether we would move back to my hometown and live with my parents for a while.  We were both willing, even though it would be hard and uncomfortable at times.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are great and we get along wonderfully, but anyone bringing in a family to live in the same house with their parents (not having our own kitchen or living room) has uncomfortable moments.  BUT, this opportunity doesn't seem to be the one God is leading us to.  I could be wrong, but at this moment, it doesn't look like it is.  The good thing is, our hearts are open to moving or staying and now we know it. 

     So, thank you for your prayers!!!  Please continue to pray for God's guidance with Joe's job and our new situation.  That God will be glorified and we will continue to have peace and joy even when things look impossible. 

     BTW- We do still want more children and are praying for God's guidance with that as well.  I am having some health issues, nothing major, but would love to figure out what is causing these symptoms and to have a treatment, not just a band aid. There are several symptoms that have worsened over the years, but for me worst part is that I get tired very easily and have foggy thinking.  I am taking B12 and am waiting for blood test reports to see why.  We have done a lot of research and think we know the cause, but the doctors over the last 10 years haven't seemed to want to research it more.  Instead they want to put me on birth control pills, which I will not do because we want children.  So, I may be having to look for a new Dr. and specialist.  If you have a great proactive Dr. feel free to share their information with me.  : )

Limbo

Limbo is not necessarily a bad place to be. . .

It is funny how different people can take such different outlooks on the same situation.  There are at least 2 people that have told me how excited they are for me as we seek direction for the next step in our journey.  At first, I was not excited.  When reminded of a different perspective, my attitude has started to change.

In my quiet time this morning, God reminded me that our journey is not always easy-going, but instead can be more like a roller coaster.  There are ups, downs, thrills, discouragement . . .  At this moment, I feel like I am in line waiting for the next roller coaster ride.  What am I going to do while waiting?  I could try and predict what it is going to be like, analyze the possibilities, just stand there and wait anticipating the ride, or enjoy the moment and the people around me.  So, I chose the latter.  There are so many friends and family that I can enjoy before this lifestyle change.  No matter where we are, our lives are going to be different in some way.  I can enjoy the schedule and time we have now to be together and pray together as we seek together.  I can enjoy having my husband more to myself before he pastors a group or congregation.  I can enjoy being home for the summer with Samuel and not waste time trying to figure out things that may never come about. I can rest assure that God will tell us when and where we need to go when it is His time.

As far as an update on when or where, there isn't much to say yet.  Some doors have shut, which is good since they are not options anymore.  I can tell that God is changing our hearts as to what we want to do, but we still don't have a clear direction.

So, I will enjoy being in limbo and have faith in my faithful father who loves us with a steadfast love.  He will never fail us as we seek Him and not just answers.

Thank you to those who are praying!  It really makes a difference and we are truly appreciative!  God is definitely working.  : )

What If Following is Not Easy?

     So, I guess it has been a while.  Samuel is now 2 years old and is officially our son.  We still wait for Proof of Citizenship so we can change his name on things such as his SS number.  But he is with us and happy.

     Now we are desiring a brother of sister for Samuel.  We are not sure whether that means another adoption yet or not.  We both would love to adopt again, but haven't given up completely with having a biological child either.  We will wait and pray and see. . .

     Even more pressing right now is where God is leading us in the next chapter of life. 

     Joe finished seminary and has gotten his liscensure.  He has to have a "call" before going through the ordination process.  That means that he has to have a ministry job.  We are also praying about me being able to stay home full-time with Samuel.  I feel like we need to know something soon because before we know it, Fall will be here and I will have to start teaching.  With Joe's current job, I don't think we could pay the bills.  As a matter of fact, we have been blessed with people helping us in various ways, such as giving us food and clothes periodically.  We are truly grateful and God sends things right when we need it.  (He is not often early.)

     Right now, there may be a couple of opportunities, but we are not sure which of these doors or if either of them are the ones God has for us next.  We pray and discuss and pray.  Still we are not convinced of anything.  But it has brought up the thought of true surrender and following.  When Joe finished seminary, my mind came up with an unwritten list of what I wanted our next step to look like.  We would stay here, Joe would find a job at our church, and Samuel will be able to go to my school when he is old enough.  Oh, and I would get to stay home with him until then. That is still not impossible, but that is not full surrender.  Maybe God is calling us to move.  And even worse to an area where we don't want to go.  What if we have to short sale our home and ruin our credit?  What if I will have to find a job somewhere else and find someone new to trust Samuel with while I am gone?  What if. . . ?  Would I still be up for following God?  I know deep down that God knows what is best for us and His people. But right now, I don't want to move.  After 6 years of living here, I finally love it!  

     I keep praying for God to change my heart if it is not aligned with His.  I know that wherever He calls us, we will go.  We love and trust Him enough to give up our selfish desires and ambitions and go where He desires to grow and use us.  Through the adoption and many other times when we have just had to trust Him, He has shown us His love and faithfulness.

     Please pray for us to hear God's leading and walk with confidence wherever He calls.  Also pray for our hearts.  Whatever it will be, our lives will not be as they are now.  Ask God to prepare us and make us ready to let go of whatever securities or comforts we enjoy now and be thankful for what we will have then.  May God be glorified and others see Him through all of this as with the adoption. 

Receiving Gifts

I had a good quiet time this morning. (Samuel actually slept until 7am!)

During my quiet time, I reflected on God's gift of life and then how He is the giver of good gifts. Of course that doesn't mean we will never struggle or be persecuted, but He gives us so much more than we deserve. It is easy to get into the rut of looking around and seeing how others have more and then focus on what we don't have, but when I look at what I do have, I am overwhelmingly grateful.

Throughout the last 10 or so years, God has done so much in my life. Stripping off one idol after another. Well, the last few years, God is working on ones that I knew were coming, but dreaded: "financial security" and "I can do it". Working part-time instead of full-time, adopting, and Joe going through seminary while working full-time in facilities, does not leave much room for "financial security". We have been given so much, especially in the past year. Money, toys, clothes, gift certificates, free babysitting, meals and the list goes on. This has not been easy for me. I would rather be on the other end, but as time goes by, I have less to give other than my gratitude, and of course prayer.

As I thought about it this morning, I started to cry. I don't deserve good gifts from others. I'm happy to take gifts from God, if it doesn't involve others being inconvenienced. It is so hard to receive without being able to pay back or do anything in return, other than saying "thank you". But when you have no choice, you have to humble yourself and take it. I am losing my "I can do it" attitude, because I can't. No matter how I calculate, save, or work things out, I have to rely on God and my community/family. I knew this would be a hard lesson, but relationships have become richer, my heart is becoming less closed off to let others in, and my heart is softening. Fear, bitterness, pride, and more is melting away. God continues to refine me and I pray that when this season has passed, I won't forget what God is teaching me.

On a side note, Samuel is doing great! He had a fun weekend with pool time, family time, and good health. Yesterday he started whining again. We are going through another round of a few days of pain. Please pray for him and that I would know how to help him. He is more calm today, but then I haven't had to take him out to run errands or occupied to do errands at home. It has been a nice morning of just hanging out and getting lots of short cuddle sessions. : )

Final court date!!!

It has been a glorious and transitional 8 months so far!

The first few months were a bit difficult because I had to get used to the new schedule and life. Samuel is such a great baby, that it really helped. The hardest thing that I had to deal with was his lack of desire for rest. He still cries even when he thinks we are going to put him in the crib. Actually at this moment, he is in the crib, fighting rest. Sometimes he even bangs his head on the crib to stay awake. Poor thing. . .

The fun things about Samuel is that he is usually a very happy, active boy. (I say usually because when his molars are coming in, he is hurting.) He loves to climb, run, explore, and laugh. He laughs most often when playing peek a boo or pretty much any social interaction. He is a people-person. He will walk up to strangers to smile at them and loves to see other kids. We have been doing a LOT of play dates lately and hasn't met anyone he doesn't like yet. He rarely sits still very long. Watching Thomas the Train keeps him still the longest of anything else, so that is my default when I am trying to cook. Sometimes, it doesn't work. He likes to be where I am, watching me do things, especially in the kitchen.

He has had a few time-outs and responds pretty well to them. He usually knows when he is getting into something he is not supposed to. I can tell because he has that sneaky look on his face or runs away when we catch him. LOL! After the first couple of time-outs, he started following directions more quickly. He is one smart cookie and seems to know it. He will sometimes try to smile or put his lip out when he gets in trouble because in the past we would laugh. We are learning to hold it in or turn our heads. : )

Teething has been hard for us. It seems that a new tooth comes in every couple of weeks and he is in pain every few days. These molars are hard on him. His drool is pretty constant and so we have learned to just live with wet shirts and kisses, which we LOVE! He now has 2 sets of molars and one set of canines. I think his 3rd set of molars are coming in now. Or maybe it is his 2nd set of canines. All I know is he is pain. Poor baby. I wish I could take it away, but there doesn't seem to be any magic fixes. Medication is only temporary and doesn't always work.

Well, he has had tons of firsts! I wish I could post pics of some of them, but until the adoption is final, I am not supposed to. So, if you want to see any, check out my Facebook page. That is a "secured" site and I can post pics of him on there.

I can not tell you how appreciative we are to have him here while we wait for it all to be final. We also appreciate all the support we have had and still receive. There are too many to count and in various ways. Samuel has such a large family in Christ. He also has our family that we were born into, who adore him. Sometimes I still cry, thinking back to the days when I didn't know how or when or if we would ever have a child. And here he is. Our precious boy!!

So, the final court date is Monday, August 22nd. He will legally be ours! He is already ours in our heart and mind. I can't imagine life without him, nor do I want to. We are so blessed!!!

HOME WITH SAMUEL

I'm sorry it has been so long since I last posted. November has been a whirlwind of a month. It started with my dad getting in a bicycle accident and ending up in Grady Hospital for about 2 weeks. He has head, ribs, and other body injury. He is at home recovering, while my mom is running their dry cleaners. My sister-in-law and brother and taking care of all the medical paperwork and staying home with him when they can. We are having trouble with getting the VA to take over his treatments and cover the costs. Pray for all that to get worked out and for endurance for my family.

Then, we decided to bite the bullet and take another step of faith. We bought a small SUV for transporting Samuel. The minute we got home, we heard a message on our answering machine saying that our baby was ready for travel. What timing!

So, we got the first flight we could out there and back. We were in Korea for 3 1/2 days because we wanted to get Samuel home. We can't take him with us until the day before or the day of travel. Thankfully, we had a morning flight. We got to take him to my aunt's house the day before travel.

South Korea was awesome. Their rest stops are like strip malls, the service in malls and restaurants are top notch, there is always someone waiting to help you with a smile. We got to walk around the town where my mom and dad met and lived when I was a baby. We almost got lost, but ran into my aunt's mother-in-law and she pointed us back home. It was perfect timing.

Needless to say, the food was delicious. It was actually so hot/spicy, that it brought tears to Joe's eyes.

It was great to spend time with my aunt and her family too. I remember as little girl, thinking she was so beautiful and wanting to be like her. She got to be the first family member to meet Samuel.

Coming back home was crazy. Because we booked our flight last minute, we couldn't sit near each other and no one offered to switch places. Joe was so far away that he couldn't even hear or see us. Praise God, we made it without any serious damage. LOL

We were greeted by a welcoming committee. Here is a video our friend Jen made of it:

http://gallery.me.com/jenniferstyle/100082

Now, we are home trying to get into a routine. It took several days for Samuel to realize that night was not day anymore. Korea has a 14 hour difference. He is mostly sleeping through the night now and we are working on his napping. He is napping right now. Shhhh. . .

We LOVE our baby Samuel!!! He is so funny, curious, energetic, and adorable. He loves people, but knows who his mommy and daddy are. He looks at us periodically to make sure we are near by. When he is tired and cranky, he wants mommy or daddy. I LOVE IT!!!!

I am learning to get up EARLY and have my quiet time before he gets up. It makes for a happier day for both of us. Joe is an awesome daddy! He had to go back to work this week, but has requested evening duty. So, he feeds, bathes, and gets Samuel down for the night. It is precious.

Since we have had Samuel, he has already learned how to crawl, eat bite-sized snacks by opening his hands enough to shove it in his mouth (he LOVES to eat), and stand up in his crib. He is getting stronger every day. Just this morning, he was observing his hand movements as they opened and closed. It is such a joy to be able to watch those moments. I need to keep the video camera next to me to capture them.

If you want to see pictures or get faster updates, befriend me on FB if you have not already.

Approval Coming Soon?

I was driving down to McDonough on Friday and had a conviction to call about the
paperwork again. Joe and I discussed earlier that morning not to call, but the
conviction was strong. So, I called Joe and told him. I asked Joe to call since
he was home and I was driving. After some convincing that we don't need to wait
until later in the day he called. He was home because he was getting ready to
leave for a men's retreat at noon and it was around 11am. So, he called and
found out that we were assigned an officer. She said that she had just gotten
the paperwork and went through it on the phone with Joe. She noticed a form was
missing. Praise God that Joe was home to find it and fax it. God was using
that time to make me see that I don't have to have control because Joe couldn't
find it at first and had to leave soon. I couldn't find it because I wasn't at
home. I just had to pray that God would show Joe where it was. Finally, Joe
did find it and faxed it out to the officer. I called her and she got it. She
said that it should be approved this week some time!!!!

Korean Festival

We had such a great time at the Korean Festival. I haven't been to one since I was a young girl. My mom showed us how to play all of these games. It was fun watching her do them too.









This is a version of hackey sack. It is harder because under all that stringy stuff is a plastic weight. So, it is hard to see where the center of the weight is going to hit.












This is a Korean board-game. There are 4 people on 2 teams. The big silver things are like dice, only all four people on a team flip them at once. The way they land, tells you how many places to move your piece on the board.


This is sort of a mix between see-saw and trampoline. You take turns jumping and propelling your partner higher into the air. It is a great work-out too.








This is how they used to make rice cake.




My mom is getting ready to arm-wrestle. Yeah!








This is sort of like a bean bag toss. Only you have these arrow-looking things and you try to get them inside the jar or one of the hoops. Abby rocked at this one!














We told the boys to "Go fly a kite". . . and they did. (Sorry, my corniness just came out.)

They actually flew them for a long time.
One was even made like the traditional Korean kites.



This is a game sort of like jacks. My mom can throw all 5 pieces in the air, catch them on the back of her hand, flick them in the air and then catch them inside her hand. She does is so fast too.
We were all amazed.




There was so much more to do, but it was sooo hot. There were jumpy things for the kids, demonstrations and mini-parades with traditional dancers, drummers, and dressed royalty. You could even dress up in traditional Korean wedding clothes for pictures. Unlike American festivals, most of the activities are free and your prize was food. Now, that is my kind of prize!

I don't know why I don't have pictures of those things. I must have gotten tired of pulling out the camera.
All in all, it was a great day. I look forward to bringing our baby to these in years to come!

Wounds

I got this nasty burn on my arm over a week ago. I was baking something on a cookie dish and hastily took it out. When I did, it seared my arm. Not but a little while later, I did the same thing and seared my other arm. The second one wasn't as bad and was near my wrist.

The first wound is definitely taking much longer to heal and not look so gross. It is bigger, but is also located just above the inside of my elbow. So, every time I pull my arms in, the air is blocked from touching the wound, thus causing it to get sticky and gooey. YUCK! The smaller one gets plenty of air and has almost healed itself, yet there is definitely going to be a scar.

Emotional and spiritual wounds are like physical wounds. The more we try to cover it up, the less it really heals. The more we close our arms rather than reaching out to God for healing, the grosser it gets. When we open our arms and let His "air" breathe on us, the better it heals. There still may be a scar, but hopefully, we can use those scars as reminders to not be so hasty and that God heals all wounds.

BTW- I am learning to sleep with my arms open. ; )

Triathlon

I still have a few more pictures to get and upload, but I couldn't wait to share what I have already. : )

There were 8 students that I have taught in the triathlon. One was the sibling of one of my students, but I worked with him in an after-school program. There was one family that I don't know who also joined the cause. Awesome!

This was a BIG deal. I was surprised to see how many children were there and how serious some of them and their parents were. Some kids had very expensive bikes and the parents were "coaching" them like it was the Olympics.

This was the first triathlon for all of the students I knew, and they LOVED IT!!!

They raced by ages; oldest to the youngest.

First, they swam.
(There were different distances for each age group.)



Then, they rushed to their bikes.










Lastly, was the running.
Most of it seemed like it was uphill.













To the FINISH line!








They were tired, but excited about their accomplishment.

Some of them wanted to do it again.

I am so proud of all of them!!!



Here is a link to a video one of the parents made of the event. It is wonderful!
http://gallery.me.com/jenniferstyle#100062/IronKid

Happy watching!