Healing Slowly

                           Samuel is representing the One who battles for our hearts.

The good news is that I am definitely healing.  The bad news is that it is way slower than I expected.  The good news is that God is in control, I am not.

First, here are the answers to the questions I get:
Do I get bored?  YES

How am I feeling? I hurt, get tired easily, and can't sit up long, which sometimes effects drainage from my allergies causing headaches and nausea. Rainy or almost rainy days are the worst.

How am I doing? I think considering all of those things that I haven't yelled at or hurt anyone, I am doing ok.  ; )  No really, it is frustrating,  but it is causing me to pray and surrender more.

How is having Joe home? Actually, it is nice. At the beginning of the school year, I couldn't wait for nuggets of alone time, but now that he is driving Samuel to school and back,  I get alone time, but it is also nice to have him home.  He is so patient and helpful.   We are able to talk about deep thoughts and feelings. He is learning what my life as a mom and wife are like and I am learning that I can trust him to do the things I usually do. We are enjoying our time with Samuel and he is getting good quality time with Joe.  Quality time and words of affirmation are ways that Samuel feels loved.

How is Samuel doing?  He seems to be doing ok. His feelings about going to school are the same. He enjoys being home. He is bonding more with Joe. I get snuggles in the morning and after school.  He is also serving me in ways that I used to do for him.  He is so thoughtful and happy-go-lucky.

Being home and forced to rest, I have LOTS of time to think.  I am on FB a lot and read happy and heart breaking posts.  I see fun activities and some friends going to the hospital.  There is such a wide spectrum of how people are spending the holidays.  It all makes me put things into perspective.

This year, I have less worldly things and mobility, things that I struggled with contentment in the past.  I used to compare and want what others had.  But this year, I don't.  (Not that what they have aren't great.)  I am just content in my life and in the One who is the giver of good gifts. This year,  I have more gratitude,  more compassion, more love, more peace, more joy, more patience . . .  I find myself praying, reading God's Word,  talking to my husband and son about God, and seeking God's truth/ways more.  Who He is and what He wants not just how I should strive to be or perform.   It is freeing and healing.

I am not comparing my hysterectomy to a broken heart or spirit.  I have experienced the loss of a loved one, rejection through divorce and other ways, and waiting tirelessly for something that I longed for.  The emotions are different. Aside from the differences, the healing process can be a little similar.  As I think about and pray for those who are also healing in various ways, I offer some encouragement.  Please don't expect a deadline for the pain to stop.  Know that healing is slow and some wounds never go away. It is okay to hurt. It is okay to take a break.  It is okay to get frustrated.  It is okay to even get angry. Some days will be harder than others. It is okay to share your heart with others.  Just don't forget to let our heavenly physician and counselor to help you through it.  You will experience healing and freedom in other ways as you do.  Don't give up.  Have hope in the One who is in control.

Hysterectomy... a blessing?

1. 

    I always have to start with pictures of my cuties.

We were messing around at the hospital.

     Many have asked for details and my thoughts about my recent surgery.  Back in September, I had to go to the ER because I was having severe abdominal pain. I remember praying that I would be able to get to the root of all my health issues and get it taken care of.  After lots of tests, we found out that I had an infected cyst and so took antibiotics for a month or so.  When I went back, the doctor said it was not going away on its own and it had effected my ovary.  She found some other issues such as fibroids and suggested a full hysterectomy.  While I was waiting to hear what she would say after the ultrasound, I was praying that the cyst had gone down but was convicted to stop and pray for God's will instead. I had a sense it hadn't and so wasn't surprised at her suggestion.
     The doctor and staff worked hard at getting me scheduled before Thanksgiving so that I could use the break for my recovery and have to take less days.  Plus, I was in pain.  I am so thankful for that and the support of my coworkers, my class and their parents.  God was covering me with love and encouragement.
     During my surgery, the doctor had to call in another doctor to help because she found endometriosis and my intestines were tangled up around my tubes.  It was already a late surgery and what should have taken 2 hours took 3 1/2 hours.  (All was done laparoscpically, which was an answer to prayer.) I felt so bad for the doctors and my hubby, but I am so glad that the surgery was finished and they found the root to many of my health issues.  I have spent the last several years looking into things like PCOS and hormone imbalances. I have tried cutting out certain foods, exercising, using essential oils, detoxing, etc. All of which helped some but there was still a battle with fatigue, feeling sick often, pain, bowel and female issues.  Now that they found endometriosis, it makes so much sense.   The doctor even said that she can't imagine how much pain I was in after seeing what was going on in me.  She also said that I am going to feel like a whole new woman after revovery.
     So, I am thankful.  I am a bit sad that it is a closed door but it is better than wondering from month to month if I am pregnant because I would often experience the same symptoms.  It is better than struggling to live normally when I want feeling normal.   I would feel so bad cancelling or saying no to so many things because of my health and not really having a good reason.  I often wondered if people thought I was faking it.  I am so happy being Samuel's mom and teaching my sweet students that I am ok not starting over with another young one.  Plus, we used to talk about adopting again.  There is no telling right now if that will happen later.  The door to  more children is not completely closed, just one of the routes.
     It has been about  2 1/2 weeks since the surgery and I had hoped recovery was faster but am realizing that it is a very slow process.  I have found many ways the abdominals are used that I didn't realize before. I try to get out a little but get tired easily. I have been able to cut back on the pain meds and have less nausea. Lord willing, I will be back at work after 4 weeks of recovery as the doctor is predicting.
     Thankfully, Joe is home during this season to take care of Samuel and me.  He cooks, cleans, drives, and helps me get around.  We continue to pray for leading to a job for Joe but it hasn't happened yet.  We are once again on lock-down financially and are paying month to month for insurance extention.  The doctor and hospital bills keep coming in, but the good news is that God has given us peace through it all.  He has answered prayer by prayer in His way.  We have had time to be still, study, and pray.  God reminds us that He is in control and we can rest in Him.  Trust is the word he gave me at the beginning of the school year and continues to lay on my heart.  He has provided all that we need. He surrounds us with love and encouragement through so many ways and people.  We are reminded that He is not a genie but a loving father and powerful king that wants our hearts, minds, worship... our everything.  And so, if this hysterectomy brings glory to God, then yes, it is a blessing.

My mom hung out with Samuel while I was at the hospital.  He loves his halmony.

Thankfulness

Gotcha Day was November 17th.

It has been 4 blessed years with our sweetie.

Words can not express the love and joy this precious boy brings into our lives!!!

     As the "month of thankfulness" passes away, I have been reminded of so many things that I appreciate.  I can not even begin to list all of them.  I can, however, share some of the thoughts and lessons I have learned recently.  First of all, thankfulness is a heart of gratitude.  Things in life don't have to be perfect or even "peachy" to have a heart of gratitude.  I am learning to be thankful in the midst of struggles, pain, fear, worry . . .  If I think back to my life only 5 years ago, I can see that I have changed.  My eyes have been opened to new ideas.  My perspectives have changed.  I am more sensitive to the fact that everyone has their own story, joys, and sorrows.  I can acknowledge that there is so much that I don't know or understand, and that I don't have the correct answer for everyone's situation. But I am also more confident in the decisions that we make and rely less on the "opinions" of others.  I experience freedom in doing what God is leading us to do.  I guess it is just growth and maturity, but I am not sure if I would be here in this state of mind if I hadn't gone through everything.  And so, I can be thankful for even the trials.  

Romans 5:3 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope.

(Please read before and after for the context.) : )

On another note:  

     I am thankful for those who have encouraged, prayed for, and been a part of Samuel's growth.  He has not only grown physically, he has grown in confidence and independence.  I have even had moms that I run into periodically at the park mention how much he has changed.  One mom even said that he seems like a different boy.  He used to not really want to talk, go to school, hang out with anyone without me there (except his cousins Drewby and Cha Cha), go near loud places, and was very self-conscience.  Now, he is flourishing at school, talks so much more (still working on intelligibility, but it is MUCH better), says hi to the teachers and staff at school, blows me kisses when he sees me in the hallway (instead of crying), enjoys hanging out with daddy while I am in another room or gone, plays with (not alongside) other kids, talks about his many friends at school, has braved going on a few blow up slides (the fans are loud), and expresses his feelings.  He has such a sweet and sensitive heart and I am glad to see him feeling more free to share it.  He has even raised his hand to share praise reports during staff prayer.  That is a BIG deal!  I am so proud of him!  

     So, thank you for being patient with us as we have spent the year focusing our time on helping him to feel more secure.  Thank you for encouraging us to do what we need to do for our family.  Thank you for praying for us.  Thank you for supporting and loving us.  We are richly blessed with friends, family, and our God.  

Awkward Conversations

     I am not sure if it is because of the perimenopause, having a small child, being a stay-at-home mom, or a combination of all 3, but most conversations feel awkward to me.  In the last few years, most of the time I walk away from a conversation and think, "Did I really say that?", "Why didn't I say anything?", "Why can't I think straight?", or "What were we talking about?"  Now, there are the rare times when I get more than a minute to talk to someone without interruptions because Samuel is busy playing with older kids or not with me that I can get more comfortable and carry on a real conversation.  Even then, sometimes, I don't know what to say or how to stay on track with one thought.

     I realize that the majority of my conversations are with Samuel to where I have to repeat what he says to model correct speech and acknowledge that I understand him or ones that only need simple thought like, "The garbage truck man throws the garbage in a truck, not on the ground."  (Samuel likes to reenact things.)

      Other than that, I get to talk to my wonderful husband, friends with kids, or family.  Even then, our conversations are interrupted often and are all over the place.  I think Joe and most of those with small children are used to it also, so I don't feel as weird when I ask or tell something off-topic or forget what the topic is.  Also, the silence times are not as awkward with them as I am sure we are appreciating it together.  LOL

All that to say, I apologize to anyone who has walked away asking, "What is she on?" or "What was she thinking?", or to anyone I have offended by not talking at all.  Sometimes it is easier to not attempt a conversation beyond a greeting.  Oh, talking on the phone is worse than in person because I can't see the person talking to me and get more easily distracted.  So, don't bother trying to have a phone conversation with me.  E-mail me or let's get together.

Also, I want to know who else has this same struggle and how do you deal with it?  BTW- I do exercise regularly, watch what I eat, have cut back on sugar, salt, and processed foods, and already do stuff for the perimenopause.   I guess I want more to hear that I am not alone.

Oh, and don't feel bad for me.  I am totally fine with where I am in life.  I LOVE being a stay-at-home mom to a busy boy and don't mind not having deep conversations often.  I have them with Joe and tell God all that I am thinking and struggling with.  So, I am truly good. : )

The Blame Game

I have to start with a cute picture of my boy. : )









Have you ever thought how nice this world would be if only people treated others the way they would like to be treated?  You know, the whole do unto others thing.  Well, I have. . . a LOT.  Especially when others are not doing unto me as I would like. 

One of my biggest annoyances is when people blame things like their attitude or actions on other people or events?  It probably annoys me because I used to do it. . . ahem. . . still do it.

This morning is a perfect example.  I went to the local mail center to get 2 unrelated forms notarized.  One of the forms was to get out of jury duty due to being a full-time childcare provider (stay at home mom).  Well, I pull out the form and begin filling it out only to notice that it is a student form, and I am not a student.  UGH. That began my annoyance.  Why did they send me the wrong form?  It took me a while to get an actually person on the phone to request the form last time, and now I have to do it again.  GRRRRR. . .

Then I pulled out the other form to sign.  I signed it.  Good done!  Not quite.   Apparently I signed my license with K.L. DeGuido and not Kimberley DeGuido.   And since I signed the form once with the wrong name, I couldn't sign it again, which meant I had to get another form.  So I left there with a bad attitude.  Thankfully, I didn't say or do what I felt like to the lady trying to help me and refusing to notarize the form due to a matter of letters.  I am still K.L. DeGuido!  double GRRRR. . . 

I get home and called the automated system several times trying to figure out how to get a real person on the phone.  The guy who helped me was really nice and apologized several times.  After getting off the phone, I was convicted.  I had that letter for days and didn't bother to look at it before taking it to get notarized.  I could have checked my drivers license to see how I signed it before signing the second form.  These people were just doing their job.  Granted the first guy did mess up, but I have made mistakes when I was in a service position.  How would I have wanted them to respond to me then?  If I was the lady at the mail service center, how would I want to be treated for following the guidelines? 

All that to say, I was convicted that if I really truly believe in the Do Unto Others rule, then the only person I can start with is myself.  I can stop blaming people or circumstances for my attitude or actions.  I can't change other people, but I can choose how to respond.  I know that I am no where near perfect but I can at least try to be conscious of my thoughts and actions.  Of course, I get my strength and ability from the one who made up the Do Unto Others rule.  If am so thankful for the mercy and love He gives me, then I should be more merciful and loving to others.  

On a side note, that doesn't mean letting others run all over you.  Real love does involve confrontations.  But keep in mind how you would want someone to confront you.

                                                      Check out my handsome guys.  : )

Adopt Again?

First trip to the Atlanta Zoo with his cousins

    First of all, I want to give a quick update.

-My health is getting better.  Most days I am feeling more like myself.  If it weren't for these terrible allergies, I think I would have more normal days : )

- Joe still does not have a full-time ministry position but we are grateful for the job that he does have.  We are still praying for his "calling".

- God has totally provided this year with me staying home.  I didn't think that we had enough in savings to last past December.  Well, it is May and we are still able to pay the bills. : )  Praise God!

Now on to the question of adoption. . .

With me starting the pre-menopause stage early, it has felt like "now or never" time.  We have done the tracking and all that other stuff.  We actually got good news recently from the hormone specialist that I had a month where I ovulated.  Apparently even though my cycle is still regular, I don't ovulate most months.  He recommends IVF if we want to get pregnant. 

I was excited at first.  Maybe I could feel life in me and be with my baby from day 1!  But the more I thought about IVF, the more I felt like that isn't the direction we are being led towards.  I have ignored the leading and wasted lots of time, energy, money, and heart ache enough to learn how to recognize what I believe is God's leading.  Many of my friends are trying IVF or have gotten pregnant from it, but I just don't have a desire to go that route yet.  Joe has even less of a desire.  He and I both agree that we are not pursuing that route as of now.  Getting pregnant is still possible. 

First Carriage Ride

We both have a strong desire for another child, especially a little girl.  We have considered many options and are still considering, but are both still strongly drawn to a Korean nationality.  At this point, we have committed to praying for more clarity on when, where, or how.  But we would love to adopt again given the opportunity. 

Please join us in prayer and feel free to offer insight that could be helpful.  : )

Samuel's favorite spots

My cutie and me outside

Samuel LOVES being outside.  But when he first wakes up, he wants to be on mommy's lap.  In order to make the mornings go most smoothly, I have to get his breakfast, drink, and my coffee ready before he wakes up.  I also have to plan to not go anywhere until at least an hour after he wakes up. 

He has to have a list of things in his hands in order to be completely at rest.  So when he gets ready to get on my lap he is fumbling his drink, breakfast, and usually at least one toy (a train or truck) and gets frustrated. I constantly tell him to come to me and I will get everything he needs.  But I see the struggle of him wanting to do it himself and him wanting to sit with me and trust that I am going to do what I say. 

This made me think of how we are with God.  God gets things ready for us, often by letting us be in certain circumstances or even just by having the sun rise.  I feel like I have to get a list of things ready or think about all the things I have to do that day before I can sit with him.  But He says to come to Him and He will take care of the rest.  I do find that the days I sit with Him first thing in the morning, especially when I am not rushed, the rest of my day is more joyful.  That doesn't mean it goes smoothly, but I have a better attitude and mindset.    I am less frustrated and trust that God will keep His promises to me.  In other words, my "outside" time is so much more enjoyable.